⑴ 日常英语口语900句
可买本新概念英语或新英语900句，每天一练
⑵ 关于英语日常用语
用餐时有哪些用于经常用到：
More water please.请加点水。
Could you clear the table, please？请把桌子清洁下好吗？
May I have some water please?请给我加点水好吗？
May I see the menu again, please?请再让我看下菜单好吗?
I'll have another one,please.请再来一杯。
Would you like some more?你要再来一些吗？
Won't you have some more?你不要再来一些吗？
Yes, I will. Thank you.是的，我要，谢谢你。
I haven't got any appetite.我没有胃口。
Cheers! 干杯！
To your health! 祝你健康！
Let's drink to the health of Mr.Wang.让我们举杯祝王先生身体健康！
My coffee hasn't come yet.我点的咖啡还没有来。
How does it taste？味道如何？
It's very delicious.味道很好。
How do you eat this?这个你们怎么吃？
What kind of dish is this? 这种是什么菜？
May I see the wine list? 请把酒单给我看好吗？
我还没吃饱可以说：
I'm not filled.
I fell like eating more.
I haven't had enough.
说之前要加的礼貌用语如：
I think I'll have another...我想再。。。
Would please bring me...请再给我。。。
出门问路之类的情况除了用may还可以用：
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to..., please?
How can I get to...?
Where is...?
Do you know the way to...?
希望我的回答能够帮助您！
⑶ 英语日常口语有哪些
"有想努力学习的心态是非常好的
为了下一个学期的英语成绩提高，也为了给英语打基础
报个暑假英语补习班是个很好的选择
最近挺多人都报了个电话英语培训
每天在家就能轻松学到一口流利的英语口语哈"
。。。
⑷ 日常英语口语900句有哪些
英语本身就是一门语言，其最终的目的就是为了能够使用它去和人进行顺利的沟通，因此要学好英语的最好的方法就是通过不断的对话练习来学习，尤其是在成人学英语方面体现的淋漓尽致.
大家仔细的想想，小时候我们是怎么学好普通话的，其实靠的就是长时间的对话练习，慢慢学会的，因为在对话练习的过程中你能积累词汇，掌握句型，并熟悉英语表达思想的方式，着重培养语感,这样就具备了学好英语的条件，虽然说在国内学英语缺乏环境,不过大家可以通过看美剧或者去英语角等方式来练习，我是通过在线来学习的:http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_8a33d4a40102x9ai.html?7892
当然基本功也是很重要的。要想基本功扎实，必须全神贯注地认真听讲,上好每一节课，提高课堂效率，脚踏实地、一步一个脚印地，做到以下“五点”
一、只有从简单的开始，才容易入门，才容易产生"兴趣"，才容易把事情进行下去
二、学习英语不能太急于求成，因为只有有了"量"，才能有"质"的飞跃。
三、 英语有句谚语"Repetition is the mother of skills（重复是技能之母）"。
四、语言是人们在长时间的实践中形成的认同符号，其运用"规则"可依。
五、若想学好英语，需要采取一个个"速战速决"策略，找到学习的动力和兴趣把学习坚持到底。
⑸ 日常英语口语900句大全
现在我们正处于一个地球村，随着各国文化交流的日益频繁，世界上普及率最高的语言——英语，越来越渗透到了我们的日常生活。现在如果不会个一两句英语，仿佛就和这个世界脱轨了一样。但是，你肯定会说，平日工作学习忙，想自学英语又找不到好的方法。
其实英语本身就是一门语言，其最终的目的就是为了能够使用它去和人进行顺利的沟通，因此，大家学习英语的时候一定要认识到这一点，并且对于选择好一家不错的英语培训机构也是非常重要的。我不知道其他人选了什么机构，我自己是通过在线来学习http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_8a0c5d9a0101fgu3.html?671
1.单词
想要自学学好英语，单词的积累量是必不可少的。这就跟我们想要学好中文就必须从一个个的字开始学起一样。平时在工作或学习的地方放一本单词本，并规定在一定时间段内记住几个英语单词，注意每天规定要记住的单词量不要太多，不然没过多久必定会产生抵触情绪。
2.事物联想
想要真正自学好英语，就要把所学的英语融入到生活中去。平时可以多注意观察身边的事物，比如我看到一本书，我立马想到用英语讲就是book，电脑是computer等等。只有将生活和英语紧密联系起来，才能潜移默化地提高自己的英语水平。
3.多说多写
我们现在学了这么多年的英语，水平仍不高，原因是我们总是在被动的接受所学到的英语。如果想要真正地提高自己，我们必须主动，在生活和学习中要大声地说英语，没有倾听的对象可以自己对着书本或者电脑屏幕朗读，有时间的朋友也可多写写，每天记录一片英文日记，这样坚持肯定会有效果。
4.多看英文电影
这是小编最喜欢的学英语的方式，既可以看电影，又可以不知不觉中学习英语。建议看些有中英文对照的电影，多注意英文字幕，英文程度比较好的朋友，可以直接看只有中文翻译的电影，最后的最高境界就是直接看无字幕的英文电影。如果这三个境界都达到了，最起码你的英语听力是没有问题了。
5.寻找有利的环境
有条件的朋友，可以刻意到有英语氛围的地方去学习。比如，多参加些英语角的活动，多找几个外国朋友聊聊天个，或者直接到外国去，将自己置身与一个以英语为母语的国家，了解了解他们的文化和历史，想必你的英语将会突飞猛进。
⑹ 中学生日常用语（英语）50句
1. Hello! / Hi! 你好！
2. Good morning / afternoon / evening! 早晨（下午/晚上）好！
3. I'm Kathy King. 我是凯西·金。
4. Are you Peter Smith? 你是彼得·史密斯吗？
5. Yes, I am. / No, I'm not. 是，我是。/ 不，我不是。
6. How are you? 你好吗？
7. Fine, thanks. And you? 很好，谢谢，你呢？
8. I'm fine, too. 我也很好。
9. How is Amy / your wife / your husband? 爱米好吗？/你妻子好吗？/你丈夫好吗
？
10. She is very well, thank you. 她很好，谢谢。
11. Good night, Jane. 晚安，简。
12. Good-bye, Mike. 再见，迈克。
13. See you tomorrow. 明天见。
14. See you later. 待会儿见。
15. I have to go now. 我必须走了。
二、Expression In Class 课堂用语
16. May I come in? 我能进来吗？
17. Come in, please. 请进。
18. Sit down, please. 请坐。
19. It's time for class. 上课时间到了。
20. Open your books and turn to page 20. 打开书，翻到第20页。
21. I'll call the roll before class. 课前我要点名。
22. Here! 到！
23. Has everybody got a sheet? 每个人都拿到材料了吗？
24. Any different opinion? 有不同意见吗？
25. Are you with me? 你们跟上我讲的了吗？
26. Have I made myself clear? 我讲明白了吗？
27. Could you say it again? 你能再说一遍吗？
28. Any questions? 有什么问题吗？
29. That's all for today. 今天就讲到这里。
30. Please turn in your paper before leaving. 请在离开前将论文交上。
三、Identifying Objects 辨别物品
31. What's this? 这是什么？
32. It's a pen. 是支笔。
33. Is this your handbag? 这是你的手提包吗？
34. No, it isn't. / Yes, it is. 不，它不是。/是的，它是。
35. Whose pen is this? 这是谁的笔？
36. It's Kate's. 是凯特的。
37. Is that a car? 那是一辆小汽车吗？
38. No, it isn't. It's a bus. 不，那是一辆公共汽车。
39. What do you call this in English? 这个用英语怎么说？
40. What is the color of your new book? 你的新书是什么颜色的？
41. How big is your house? 你的房子有多大？
42. How long is the street? 这条街有多长？
43. What's the name of the cat? 这猫叫什么名字？
44. Where's the company? 那个公司在哪儿？
45. Which is the right size? 哪个尺码是对的？
四、About Belongings 关于所有物
46. What's this? 这是什么？
47. It's an air-conditioner. 这是空调。
48. Is this yours? 这是你的吗？
49. Yes, it's mine. 是的，是我的。
50. Where are my glasses? 我的眼镜在哪儿？
51. Do you know where I've put my glasses? 你知道我把眼镜搁哪儿了吗？
52. Over there. 在那边。
53. On the desk. 在桌上。
54. Is this your pen? I found it under the desk. 这是你的笔吗？我在桌下捡
的。
55. No. Mine is blue. 不是。我的是蓝的。
56. Which is your bag? 哪个是你的包？
57. The bigger one. 大些的那个。
58. The one on your right. 你右边的那个。
59. Are these books all yours? 这些书全是你的吗？
60. Some of them are mine. 一部分是我的。
五、Identifying People 辨别身份
61. Who are you? 你是谁？
62. I'm Jim. 我是吉姆。
63. Who is the guy over there? 那边那个人是谁？
64. He's Bob. 他是鲍勃。
65. Is that girl a student? 那个女孩是学生吗？
66. No, she isn't. 不，她不是。
67. What do you do? 你是做什么的？
68. I'm a farmer. 我是个农民。
69. What does he do? 他是干什么的？
70. He's a manager. 他是个经理。
71. She must be a model, isn't? 她一定是个模特，不是吗？
72. I really don't known. 我真不知道。
73. I have no idea about it. 我一点都不知道。
74. Can she be a driver? 她可能是个司机吗？
75. Yes, I think so. 是的，我认为是。
六、 About Introction 关于介绍
76. What's your name? 你叫什么名字？
77. May I have your name? 能告诉我你的名字吗？
78. My name is Thomas. 我叫汤姆斯。
79. Just call me Tom. 就叫我汤姆吧。
80. What's your family name? 你姓什么？
81. My family name is Ayneswonth. 我姓安尼思华斯。
82. How do you spell it? 怎么拼？
83. Who is the lady in white? 穿白衣服的那位小姐是谁？
84. Could you introce me to her? 你能把我介绍给她吗？
85. Rose, let me introce my friend to you. 罗斯，让我介绍一下我的朋友。
86. This is Tom. He's my classmate. 这是汤姆。我的同学。
87. Nice to meet you. 很高兴认识你。
88. Nice to meet you, too. 认识你我也很高兴。
89. Let me introce myself. 让我自我介绍一下。
90. How do you do? 你好！
七、Year, Month And Day 年、月、日
91. What day is it today? 今天星期几？
92. It's Monday today. 今天是星期一。
93. What's the date today? 今天是几号？
94. It's January the 15th, 1999. 今天是1999年1月15日。
95. What month is this? 现在是几月？
96. It's December. 现在是十二月。
97. What year is this? 今年是哪一年？
98. It's the year of 1999. 今年是1999年。
99. What will you do ring this weekend? 这周末你干什么？
100. Does the shop open at 9 am on weekdays? 这家店平日是早上9点开门吗？
101. It opens at 8 am on weekdays, but at 9 at weekends.
平日上午8点开，但周末9点开。
102. What will you do the day after on next? 后天你干什么？
103. What did you do the week before last? 上上星期你干了什么？
104. I'll work for the next 5 days. 我要工作5天（从明天算起）
105. It's been 5 years since I last saw you. 我已5年没见你了。
八、Talking About Objects 谈论事物
106. Do you have a computer? 你有计算机吗？
107. Yes, I do. 是的，我有。
108. He has that book, doesn't he? 他有那本书，是吗？
109. No, he doesn't. 不，他没有。
110. Do you have any brothers or sisters? 你有兄弟或姐妹吗？
111. No, I'm a single son. 没有，我是独生子。
112. Does your computer have a modem? 你的电脑有调制解调器吗？
113. Do you have shampoo here? 这儿有香波卖吗？
114. What a beautiful garden you have! 你的花园真漂亮。
115. Any tickets left? 有剩票吗？
116. Do you have glue? I need some here. 你有胶水吗？我这里需要一点。
117. I have some left. 我剩下一些。
118. If you have more, please give me some. 如果你有多的，请给我。
119. Do you have my pencil? 你拿了我的铅笔吗？
120. Yes, I have your eraser, too. 是的，我还拿了你的橡皮。
九、Talking About Time 叙述时间
121. What time is it now? 现在几点？
122. It's two o'clock. 现在两点。
123. It's a quarter past five. 现在是五点一刻。
124. It's ten minutes to four. 现在差十分四点。
125. It's half past nine. 现在是九点半。
126. It's one o'clock sharp. 现在一点整。
127. It's not four o'clock. 还没到四点呢。
128. My watch says two o'clock. 我的表是两点钟。
129. My watch is two minutes fast. 我的表快了两分钟。
130. What's the time by your watch? 你的表几点了？
131. We must arrive there on time. 我们必须准时到那儿。
132. There are only two minutes left. 只剩两分钟了。
133. Can you finish your work ahead of time? 你能提前完成工作吗？
134. The flight is delayed. 飞机晚点起飞。
135. The meeting is put off. 会议延期了。
十、About Dates 关于日期
136. What day is today? 今天星期几？
137. Today is Monday. 今天星期一。
138. What's the date today? 今天几号？
139. Today is May 21st. 今天是五月二十一号。
140. When were you born? 你什么时候出生的？
141. I was born on September 1st, 1976. 我出生在1976年9月1日。
142. What time? 什么时候？
143. You name the time. 你定时间吧。
144. I'll meet you tomorrow. 我们明天见面。
145. Do you know the exact date? 你知道确切日期吗？
146. Please check the date. 请核实一下日期。
147. What were you doing this time last year? 去年这时候你在干什么？
148. How long will the sale last? 折价销售多久？
149. Only three days. 仅三天。
150. I'll be back in 5 days. 我五天之后回来。
151. Hello. Can I see Mr. Green? 你好，我能见格林先生吗？
152. Do you have an appointment? 你有预约吗？
153. Sorry, I don't. 对不起，我没有。
154. Yes. At 3 pm. 是的，约的是下午3点。
155. Sorry, Mr. Green can't see you now. 对不起，格林先生现在不能见您。
156. He's on the phone. 他在打电话。
157. Would you wait here for a minute? 您能在这里等一下吗？
158. Would you like something to drink? 您想喝点什么吗？
159. Tea, please. 我喝点茶吧。
160. Mr. Green, Mr. Smith is here. 格林先生，史密斯先生在这里。
161. You may go in now. 您可以进去了。
162. Nice to see you, my old friend. 真高兴见到你，我的老朋友。
163. How have you been these years? 这些年你怎么样？
164. You've changed little. 你一点也没变。
165. Do you still remember that Christmas? 你仍记得那个圣诞节吗？
二、About Language 关于语言
166. Do you speak English? 你会说英语吗？
167. Yes, a little. 会讲一点。
168. How long have you studied English? 你学英语多久了？
169. He speaks English fluently. 他讲英语很流利。
170. Your English is very good. 你的英语很好。
171. You speak English pretty well. 你的英语讲的很好。
172. Are you a native speaker of English? 你的母语是英语吗？
173. My native language is Chinese. 我的母语是汉语。
174. He speaks with London accent. 他带点伦敦口音。
175. He has a strong accent. 他口音很重。
176. I have some difficulty in expressing myself. 我表达起来有点困难。
177. I'm always confused with "s" and "th". 我常把s和th搞混。
178. Can you write in English? 你能用英文写文章吗？
179. Your pronunciation is excellent. 你的发音很好。
180. How can I improve my spoken English? 我该怎样才能提高口语水平？
三、Talking About Activities 谈论活动
181. What are you doing? 你在干什么？
182. I'm reading a book. 我在看书。
183. I'm cooking. 我在做饭。
184. Are you watching TV now? 你在看电视吗？
185. Yes, I'm watching Channel 5. 是的，我在看5频道。
186. No, I'm listening to the radio. 没有，我在听收音机。
187. Where are you going? 你去哪儿？
188. I'm going to work. 我去上班。
189. Who are you writing to? 你在给谁写信？
190. I'm writing to an old friend. 给一个老朋友。
191. What will you do this weekend? 这周末你将干什么？
192. I'll go to a concert. 我要去听音乐会。
193. I'll go on an outing with some friends. 我与朋友去郊游。
194. Do you like traveling? 你喜欢郊游吗？
195. Yes, I like it a great deal/it very much. 是的，我很喜欢。
四、 About Age 关于年龄
196. How old are you? 你多大了？
197. I'm twenty-two (years old). 我二十二了。
198. Mr. Smith is still in his forties. 史密斯先生才四十几岁。
199. I'm two years younger than my sister. 我比我姐小两岁。
200. My elder sister is one year older than her husband. 我姐比他丈夫大一
岁。
201. He's the youngest in the family. 他是一家中最小的。
202. He looks much younger than he is. 他看起来比他实际上年轻得多。
203. I came here when I was 20. 我二十岁来这儿。
204. I started school at the age of 6. 我六岁开始上学。
205. My father is over 60 years old. 我父亲已年过六十了。
206. Most of them are less than 30. 他们中大多数不到30岁。
207. I guess he's about 30. 我猜他大概30岁。
208. She's going to be 15 next month. 下个月她就满15了。
209. They'll have a party for their 10th wedding anniversary.
他们将为结婚十周年开个晚会。
210. He's still a boy after all. 他毕竟还只是个孩子。
五、 Talking About Daily Activities 谈论日常生活
211. When do you get up everyday? 每天你几点起床？
212. I usually get up at 8 o'clock. 我通常8点起床。
213. Where do you have your lunch? 你在哪儿吃午饭？
214. I have my lunch in a snack bar nearby. 我在附近一家快餐店吃午饭。
215. What did you have for lunch? 你中午吃些什么？
216. I had a hamburger and a fried chicken leg? 我吃一个汉堡包，一个炸鸡腿。
217. What time do you start work? 你什么时候开始工作？
218. I start work at 8 o'clock. 我八点开始工作。
219. What do you do at work? 你上班干些什么？
220. I answer telephones and do some typing. 我接电话和打字。
221. What time do you finish your work? 你什么时候下班？
222. At 6 o'clock sharp. 6点。
223. What do you do in your spare time? 闲暇时，你干些什么？
224. I like listening to pop music. 我喜欢听流行音乐。
225. I like playing football. 我喜欢踢足球。
六、 Talking About Yesterday 谈论昨天的事
226. When did you get up yesterday morning? 你昨天早上几点起床？
227. At about seven. 七点左右。
228. I heard the clock, but I didn't get up until 9. 我听见闹钟了，但我捱到
九点才起。
229. I woke up seven and got up right away. 我七点醒了，然后马上起床了。
230. I hurried to my office. 我匆忙赶到办公室。
231. I had my breakfast on the way. 我在路上吃的早饭。
232. I was just on time. 我刚好赶上。
233. I was 10 minutes late. 我迟到了五分钟。
234. I had lunch with a friend of mine. 我和我的一个朋友一块吃了午饭。
235. I finished my work at 6 p.m. 下午6点我下班了。
236. I stayed and did some extra work. 我留下加了一会儿班。
237. The TV programs were really boring, so I went to bed very early.
电视节目很无聊，所以我早早睡了。
238. I read a magazine in bed. 我躺在床上看杂志。
239. I didn't sleep well. 我没睡好。
240. I slept soundly all night. 我整夜睡的很熟。
七、 Talking With Friends 与朋友聊天
241. Hi, Joe, is it really you? 乔，你好，真是你吗？
242. Hi, Ann. Nice to see you again. 安，你好。真高兴再次见到你。
243. It's been a whole year since I last saw you. 我整整一年没见你了。
244. Yes, but you look as pretty now, as you did then. 但你看起来还是那么漂
亮。
245. Oh, thank you. How have you been these days? 欧，谢谢。这段时间你好吗？
246. Not too bad. 不太糟。
247. But you sound so sad. 但听起来你很悲伤。
248. Yes, I lost my pet cat yesterday. 是啊，昨天我的宠物猫丢了。
249. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 听到这消息我很遗憾。
250. That's all right. 没事儿。
251. Have you seen Kate lately? 最近你看见凯特了吗？
252. No, I have no contact with her. 没有。我和她没有一点儿联系。
253. I heard she got married last week. 我听说她上星期结婚了。
254. Oh, how nice. Sorry, I've got to go now. 那真好。对不起，我必须得走了。
255. So do I. See you later. Keep in touch. 我也是，再见。记得联系哦。
八、 Talking About The Past 谈论过去
256. I used to take a walk in the early morning. 我过去常一大早出去散步。
257. He used to live in my neighborhood. 他曾与我是邻居。
258. Did you use to go fishing with friends? 过去你常和朋友钓鱼吗？
259. We have known each other for 6 years. 我们认识有六年了。
260. It has been a long time since last came here. 自从我上次来这里已经有很
长时间了。
261. Have you seen Mr. Smith recently? 最近你见过史密斯先生吗？
262. They've been working on this project since last year.
他们从去年开始一直都在做这个项目。
263. I've been watching TV all night. 我看了一整晚的电视。
264. The movie began as soon as we got there. 我们一到那儿电影就开始了。
265. When I arrived at the station, the train had already left. 我到车站时，
火车已经开了。
266. The late arrival of the ship had messed up all our plans.
船到晚了，把我们的计划全打乱了。
267. I had thought he knew the time of the meeting. 我原以为他知道开会时间。
268. They had excepted me to go with them. 他们原本希望我和他们一起去。
269. That was the third time that I had visited the place. 那是我第三次参观
那地方了。
270. After I had finished my paper, I put it in the drawer. 我写完论文，就把
它放在抽屉了。
九、 Asking About The Address 询问地址
271. Hi, Jack, where do you live now? 你好，杰克，你现在住哪儿？
272. I live at 203 Curzon Street. 我住在可胜街203号。
273. Curzon Street? Isn't Mary living there? 可胜街？玛丽不是也住那儿吗？
274. Yes, she lives just across the street. 是的，她就住在街对面。
275. How long have you stayed there? 你在那儿住多久了？
276. Just a few months. 才几个月。
277. How about Mary? How long has she lived there? 玛丽怎么样？她在那儿住多
久了？
278. She's been living there since her birth. 她生下来就住那儿。
279. Will you stay there for long? 你会在那儿待很长时间吗？
280. No, I'll move to Hollywood next month. 不，我下个月搬到好莱坞去。
281. Oh, really? I'm moving there too. 真的？我也会搬到那儿去。
282. Great. Then we can drink beer together. 棒极了，我们可以一起喝啤酒了。
283. Yes, and you may stay there longer. 对，而且你也许会在那儿住久一些。
284. I hope so. 希望如此。
285. I'm sure we'll have a good time. 我相信我们会很开心的。
十、 Asking Questions 提问题
286. Where are you going? 你去哪儿？
287. Where did you go for dinner yesterday? 你们昨天去哪儿吃的饭？
288. When will he come to see you? 他什么时候来看你？
289. When did you buy the car? 你什么时候买的车？
290. Who told you? 谁告诉你的？
291. Who will accompany you to the airport? 谁将陪你去机场？
292. Why don't you agree? 你为什么不同意？
293. Why not go out for a walk? 干吗不出去散步？
294. How did you doing spend your holiday? 你假期怎么过的？
295. How are you doing these days? 这些日子你怎么样？
296. What did he say in the letter? 他在信里说什么了？
297. What are you going to do with the books? 你打算拿这些书怎么办？
298. What were you doing when I called? 我打电话给你时你在干吗？
299. I was about to leave. 我正要出门。
300. Can you guess what I was doing this morning? 你能猜到今天上午我在做什么吗？
你可以选择其中 你认为有用的进行理解以及背诵
⑺ 提供一篇英语两人日常口语对话稿， 时长五分钟， 内容搞笑一点，能配些歌词更好， 初二水平。 谢谢啦
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.
Parent: I'd like a day without punishing you.
Little Mishief: You have my full permission!
Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
Captain: My, weren't you afraid that you'd fall off?
Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn't do something?
Teacher: Well, I don't suppose so.
Student: In that case, I didn't do my homework.
Jim: What's white, steep, and has ears?
Tara: I don't know.
Jim: A snow-covered mountain.
Tara: What about the ears?
Jim: Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary
if I don't know how to spell the word in the first place?
Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You don't need to heat hot water!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it?
Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.
Teacher: Joey, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.
Joey: Ok, "If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on."
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean?
Pupil: Before Calculators.
Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
John: From whom?
Lenny: May I hold your hand?
Jenny: No, it is not that heavy.
Don: I didn't know our school was haunted.
Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out?
Don: Everybody's been talking about our school spirit.
Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Trent: How tall are you?
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near them!
Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?
Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy.
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye.
Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!
Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
Jill: No, how'd you know?
Jack: It is all over town!
Pam: Is it okay to eat hotdogs with hands?
Sam: No, hotdogs don't have hands!
Joe: I was built backwards.
Mary: How?
Joe: My nose runs, and my feet smell!
Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window!
Bobby: I've owned this car for 15 years and never had a wreck.
Prospective buyer: You mean you've owned this wreck for 15 years and never had a car.
Mary: Did you know they're not making pencils any longer?
Sue: Wow! Why not?
Mary: They're already long enough!
Michael: I was on tv today.
Jeremy: You're kidding! How long were you on?
Michael: Not very much. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off.
Sarah: Why were you late for your plane?
Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets.
Sarah: But you were 2 hours late!
Jan: I have an ant farm!
George: Look, I just found a lost baseball.
Louis: How do you know it's lost?
George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!
Mom: What are you doing?
Bob: Washing myself, of course.
Mom: Without soap and water?
Bob: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.
Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
Teacher: Chubb, who invented the airplane that did not fly?
Chubb: The Wrong Brothers.