① 求、八年级水平英语小笑话
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似
鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”
② 急求八年级英语笑话及翻译
要 几个?
我想了几个:
1.Teacher:Johnny,why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny:Every time i come to the corner, a guidepost says,"school Go slow"
老师:约翰尼，为什么你每天早上上学都迟到?“
约翰尼:"每当我经过拐角处，就看见牌上写着:学校----慢行！
2.Teacher:When is the best time to pick the apples from the trees?
student:When the watchman is not there.
老师:从树上摘苹果的最佳时间是什么时候?
学生：当看守人不在那里的时候。
3.Tom：what are you doing now?
Mike:i am counting the stars.
TOM:it is dark now.Count them tomorrow moring.
汤姆:你在做什么？
麦克:我在数星星。
汤姆:现在 天黑，明天早上在数吧。
随便遍的。自我 感觉 不太好笑。。。。。-_-!
③ 求尽量简短的英语小笑话 要初二学生会读的 带翻译 谢谢
watering flowers in rain
Tom:Why do you have that watering can?
Dan:I'm going to water the flowers.
Tom:But it'raining.
Dan:That's OK.I'm wearing my raincoat.
雨天浇花
汤姆抄：你拿喷壶做什么？袭
丹：我要去浇花。
汤姆：但是天在下雨啊。
丹：没关系，我穿着雨衣呢。
④ 我求一些英语阅读的笑话~~~尽量就是小短文~~~谁能帮帮我啊
搜就好了啊
这是我查到的
1、How much English can you speak?
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
中文翻译
"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"
法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"
被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"
2
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。
妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。
他问："什么？"
3
Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：这个座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。
4、
"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？" 妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。"
"没事儿，妈妈，" 汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。"
"他已经吃完自己的了么？"
"是的。" "我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"
2009-6-7
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
路人甲对路人乙说，"猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？"
路人乙说："我猜对了，你能给我一个不？"
路人甲说："你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！"
2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别
"I can always tell a graate class from an undergraate class," said an instructor at a university graate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graate students just write it down."
一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说："我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我说'下午好'的时候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。"
2009-6-5
Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？
汤姆：每个月都有啊！
2009-6-4making faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。
这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说："博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。"
博比抬头看了看老师，说："史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。"
2009-6-3
A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。
当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。
他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:"谢谢您的花生。"
结果祖母说:"唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。"
2009-6-2
A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。
他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。
"所以，儿子啊，"父亲问道，"得出什么结论？"
"恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！"
2009-6-1
Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.
"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."
"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"
"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."
中文翻译：
一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。
"大夫！"他说，"帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！"
"天哪，"大夫说，"早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？"
"实话告诉您吧，大夫，"穷人说，"我当时还不缺钱！"
2009-5-31
Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。
女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。
2009-5-30
In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"
"To be deaf," replied the boy.
"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.
"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.
在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩："音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？"
"耳聋，"男孩答道。
"胡说！"老师气愤地说。
"怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？"男孩轻蔑地反问道。
2009-5-28
A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。
酒吧招待："你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？"
男人："我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。"
酒吧招待："那你应该高兴才是啊！"
男人："不，今天是这个月的最后一天。"
【Laughter】2009-5-27
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。
2009-5-26
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。
2009-5-25
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"
女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。
"不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？"
这时人群中一个男同学问道，"那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"
2009-5-24
Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？
女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。
2009-5-22
Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。
2009-5-21
Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
皮特："我上次出去打猎，跌下了很高的悬崖，信不信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮现了我做过的所有蠢事。"
鲍勃："你一定是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。"
2009-5-19
Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷: "我祈求一辆自行车，一张新DVD……"
哥哥用肘轻推他: "你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。"
弟弟答道:"上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。"
2009-5-18
A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说："靠边停车(套头衫)！"
"不，" 她回答，"是一双袜子！"
⑤ 八年级英语笑话
1.Teacher:Johnny,why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny:Every time i come to the corner, a guidepost says,"school Go slow"
老师:约翰尼，为什么你每天早上上学都迟到?“
约翰尼:"每当我经过拐角处，就看见牌上写着:学校----慢行！
2.Teacher:When is the best time to pick the apples from the trees?
student:When the watchman is not there.
老师:从树上摘苹果的最佳时间是什么时候?
学生：当看守人不在那里的时候。
3.Tom：what are you doing now?
Mike:i am counting the stars.
TOM:it is dark now.Count them tomorrow moring.
汤姆:你在做什么？
麦克:我在数星星。
汤姆:现在 天黑，明天早上在数吧。
没有问题 一个秃头的男人坐在美容美发店里。发型师问:“我有什么可以帮你的吗?”那个人解释说:“我本来要去做头发移植,但那样实在太疼了。如果你能够让我的头发看起来像你的一样,而且没有任何痛苦,我将付给你5,000美元。”“没问题,”发型师说,然后他很快把自己的头剃了个精光。No ProblemA bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.“How can I help you?asked the stylist.“I went for a hairtransplant,”the guy explained,“but Icouldn't stand the pain.If you can makemy hair look like yours without causingme any discomfort,I'll pay you$5,000.”“No problem,”said the stylist,andhe quickly shaved his head.I Hung Him Up to DryJim
⑥ 初二英语小笑话
One day after school a tree-lined trail, Xiao Maohai a lovely to see me holding a bag of candy attractive, Staring straight candy go, I see him so cute slander, So funny, he's playing: You called my sister gave ten sound you eat candy, Voice faded, the "Voice of the tenth sister," Xiao Maohai immediately called the!
"I am speechless by ...?" ah!
某天,经过学校的一条林荫小道，
一可爱的小毛孩见我手里拿着一包诱专人的糖果属，
直瞪着糖果不放，我见他谗得那么可爱，
于是逗他玩的：你叫十声姐姐我就给你糖果吃的，
话音刚落，“十声姐姐”小毛孩立刻就叫了！
“啊。。。？”我无言了！《转》作者：小美 （版权）
⑦ 求：5篇初二水平的英语小笑话。
****** One evening I was commenting on my bad exercise habits and tight clothes. Whenever I criticize myself, my four-year-old daughter always has something charming to say.
Using a new word this time, she smiled and said, "Oh, no, Mommy! You look fabulous!"
******
“Make sure you wash your hands before your piano lesson,” I reminded my eight-year-old son. "They're probably dirty from soccer practice."
"Don't have to, Mom," he reassured me. "Today I'm practicing in E Flat Minor. They're black keys."
⑧ 急求开心英语八年级阅读理解150篇的答案！
【1】阅读,判断对错,对的写“T”错的写“F”: Z: Excuse me, sir. Is there a bookstore near here? P: No, there isn’t. But there is one next to the hospital. Z: Where is the post office, please? P: It’s west of the hospital.
Z: Is it far from here? P: Yes. Z: How can I get there? P: First, turn left and take the No.16 bus at the bus stop. Next, get off at the hospital. Then, cross the street. You’ll be in front of the post office. Z: Thank you. P: You’re welcome.
( ) 1 There is a bookstore near the school. ( ) 2 The post office is next to the bookstore. ( ) 3 The post office is west of the hospital. ( ) 4 Zhang Peng walks to the bookstore. ( ) 5 Zhang Peng asks a policeman for help.
【2】读文章选择正确的答案:
My parents work in a shoe factory. They get up at 5:30. They first cook breakfast. Then they go to work by bus. They work there from 8:00am to 5:00pm. They come home at about 6:00pm and cook supper for us in the evening. Mother washes clothes in the evening. Father often makes toys for us in the evening. They are busy all day. But they like their jobs very much and the boss likes them too. ( ) 1. Father gets up at_____. A. 5:30 B. 6:00 ( ) 2.My parents are _____. A. teachers B. workers ( ) 3. Do my parents work in the factory the evening? A. Yes, they do. B. No, they don’t. ( ) 4. My parents work for _____ hours every day. A. 10 B. 9 ( ) 5. My parents are _____ workers. A. good B. bad
【3】读文章补全句子: Hello, everyone. I’m Liu Yun. I have a big family. My father is a policeman. He is tall and strong. He is kind. He always help people in trouble( 有困难的) My mom is an actress. She is very beautiful, she likes music and she dances well. She often goes abroad(出国) by plane. My aunt is a doctor. She works in a hospital. She often goes to work by subway. But sometimes she goes there by taxi. I have an uncle, too. He’s an artist. He’s tall and thin. He has long hair. His painting looks terrific( 棒极了) 1).What does Liu Yun’s father do?
2).How does Liu Yun’s mother go to work?
3) ? She is an actress. 4).Where does Liu Yun’s aunt work?
5). ? She often goes to work by subway. 6).Who is an artist? .
【4】从所给的单词中选择合适的单词补全短文,每空填一词,每词用一次。注意大小写。 【take bus on have minutes next west has post office newspaper shoe store his get her post card 】
I _______ a cousin. _________ name is Willy. ________ Sunday is his birthday. I am going to send him a _________ .So I am going to the _________ this afternoon. It’s _________ of the museum. I can get there by the No.25 _________ . _________off at the _________ .Walk south for five _________.
⑨ 英语小笑话 (初二)80个单词要翻译
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
⑩ 适合八年级学生读的英语笑话（尽可能短）
thank you very much 3颗药 喂你妈吃 呵呵