1. 英语幽默故事短文，急用！！！
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠药
鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”
Big Head
“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”
“Don't listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes”
“Where's the shopping bag?”
“I haven't got one,use your hat.”
大脑袋
“所有的孩子都拿我开玩笑，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。”
“别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说：“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了，去商店买10磅土豆来。”
“购物袋在哪？”
“我没有购物袋，就用你的帽子吧。”
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
2. 英语幽默故事
An Alarm Clock
A young man went to a mountain village for his holiday. One night he stayed at a small hotel near a train station.
Before going to bed, he went to the owner of the hotel and said to the old man, “ Excuse me, sir. Will you please wake me up at a quarter to five? I'm going to take the five o'clock train tomorrow morning. ”
“ Oh, sorry, ” the owner said, “ I am afraid I can't. I don't get up that early. ”
The young man started to go back to his room when he stopped and asked, “ Do you have an alarm clock? That would help me. ”
“ Yes, here it is, young man. ”
The young man took the clock happily and thanked the old man. But when he looked at it carefully, there appeared to be something wrong with it.
“ Does it ring on time? ” he asked the old man.
“ Sure! Just shake it when it's time to get up, and it'll ring. ”
一只闹钟
一个年轻人到一个山村去度假。那天夜里，他住宿在火车站附近的一个旅馆里。
上床睡之前，他对旅馆老板——一个老头儿说：“对不起，先生，请问您能在五点差一刻叫醒我吗？我明天早晨要乘五点的火车。”
“哦，很抱歉”，旅馆老板说，“恐怕不行，我不可能起那么早。”
年轻人正想回到FANG间去，又停住了问：“那你有闹钟吗？或许它能帮助我。”
“我有，给你，年轻人。”
年轻人很高兴地拿了闹钟，谢了老头儿。但当他仔细查看了闹钟后，发现似乎有毛病。
“它能准时闹吗？”他问老头儿。
“那当然！时间一到，你摇一摇，他就会响的。”
3. 英语幽默故事
23. A Bad Doctor
A man walked into a doctor's examining room.
"Put out your tongue," the doctor said.
The man put out his tongue and the doctor said.
"0. K. You can put your tongue back now. " the doctor said. "it's clear what's wrong with you . You need more exercise."
"But, doctor, " the man said. "I don't think--"
" Don't tell I me what you think, " the doctor said ：I am the doctor, not you. I know what you need. I see hundreds of people like you. None of them get any exercise. They sit in offices all day and in front of the television in the evening. What you need is to walk quickly for at least 20 minutes a day. "
"Doctor, you don't understand," the patient said "I -"
"I don't want to hear any excuses, " the doctor said. "You must find time for exercise. If you don't, you will get fat and have health problems when you are older. "
"But I walk every clay," the patient said.
"Oh, yes, and I know what kind of walking that is. You walk a few feet to the train station from your house, a few more feet from the station to your office , and a few more feet from your office to a restaurant for lunch and back. That's not real walking. I'm talking about a walk in the park for twenty minutes every day. "
Please listen to me, doctor! " the patient shouted, getting angry with this doctor who thought he knew everything.
"I'm a mailman," the patient went on, "and I walk for seven hours every day. "
For a moment the doctor was silent, then he said quietly, "Put your tongue out again, will you?"
23.庸医
一人走进一家诊所。
“伸出舌头，”医生说。
那人伸出舌头，医生很快地看了一下。
“好了，把舌头缩回去吧。”医生说，“你的病因很明显。你需要更多的运动。”
“但是，医生，”那人说，“我不认为----”
“不要告诉我你认为怎么样，”医生说，“我是医生，不是你。我知道你需要什么。我看过数以百计的你这样的病人。他们没有一个人锻炼过。他们整天坐在办公室里，晚上就坐在电视机前。你所需要的是每天至少快跑20分钟。”
“医生，你不知道，”病人说，“我----”
“我不想听任何理由。”医生说，“你应该抽出时间来运动。如果你不锻炼，那么当你老的时候，你就会变得很胖，并且有健康问题。”
“但我每天都走路的，”病人说。
“喔，是的。我知道那是一种怎样的散步。你走几英尺的路，从家到火车站，又走几英尺从车站到办公室，然后走几英尺从办公室到餐馆去吃中饭再回来。那不是真正的散步。我所说的是每天在公园里散步20分钟。”
“请听我说，医生！”病人叫起来，对那位自以为什么都知道的医生很生气。
“我是一名邮递员，”病人接着说，“我每天得走7小时的路。”
医生闷在那里半天无语。然后他轻声地说：“再把你的舌头伸出来，行吗？”
4. 英语简短幽默故事
talking
clock
会说话的钟
while
proudly
showing
off
his
new
apartment
to
friends,
a
college
student
led
the
way
into
the
den.
"what
is
the
big
brass
gong
and
hammer
for?"
one
of
his
friends
asked.
"that
is
the
talking
clock,"
the
man
replied.
"how's
it
work?"
"watch,"
the
man
said
and
proceeded
to
give
the
gong
an
ear
shattering
pound
with
the
hammer.
suddenly,
someone
screamed
from
the
other
side
of
the
wall,
"knock
it
off,
you
idiot!
it's
two
o'clock
in
the
morning!"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”
参考资料：
http://www..com/s?wd=%bc%c3%c4%cf%d1%ef%b8%f1&cl=3
5. 英语短篇幽默故事
I'm
Trying
to
Stop
It
"Boy,
why
have
you
got
cotton-wool
in
your
ear?
Is
it
infected?"
"No,
sir,
but
you
said
yesterday
that
everything
you
told
me
went
in
one
ear
and
out
the
other
,
so
I
am
trying
to
stop
it."
“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”
“没有，老师回。可是你昨天说你告诉我的答知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”
6. 内容是美国式幽默或幽默的英语文章(阅读理解,短文也可)
http://www.taohai.com/cn/newsdetail.asp?id=2547
这个是老友记的剧本，里面都是美式幽默。。你可以看看～
或者
TGIF vs SHIT
a man met a blond in the elevator.
he greeted her: "T-G-I-F"
but got the reply: "S-H-I-T"
he was startled, but repeated "T-G-I-F"
again the reply was "S-H-I-T"
he was frustrated and said: "T-G-I-F, I mean Thanks God It's Friday"
the blond looked at him saying: "S-H-I-T, I mean Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
http://www.chinaunix.net/jh/33/545296.html
7. 英语的幽默故事
Little Steve has a pet rabbit，Bunny. He plays with it every dayafter school. One day his mother sees that her little boy isholding Bunny by the ears. From time to time he gives the poorrabbit an angry shake and says:“how much is two plus two?”
小史蒂夫有一只宠物兔子，名叫本尼。他每天放学后都跟兔子玩。一天，他妈妈看见他抓着兔子的耳朵，不时地摇着那只可怜的兔子愤怒地说：“二加二等于几?”
"Steve，”says his mother，"Why do you treat your poor little Bunnythat ways”
“史蒂夫，”他妈妈说，“你为什么那样对待可怜的小本尼?”
"Well，"explains Steve angrily，"Our teacher says that rabbitsmultiply very quickly，but this mmy can't even add。”
“哼，”史蒂夫气愤地解释道：“我们老师说兔子算乘法很快，但这个笨蛋连加法都不会。”
【注】multiply可表示“乘法”，也可表示“繁殖”。史蒂夫的老师的意思是后者。
8. 英语幽默故事
Woman Caught Speeding
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up . Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior Officer slowly approaches the car , clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license . He looks quite puzzled .
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner .
Woman: I bet you that the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.