⑴ 日常英語口語900句
可買本新概念英語或新英語900句，每天一練
⑵ 關於英語日常用語
用餐時有哪些用於經常用到：
More water please.請加點水。
Could you clear the table, please？請把桌子清潔下好嗎？
May I have some water please?請給我加點水好嗎？
May I see the menu again, please?請再讓我看下菜單好嗎?
I'll have another one,please.請再來一杯。
Would you like some more?你要再來一些嗎？
Won't you have some more?你不要再來一些嗎？
Yes, I will. Thank you.是的，我要，謝謝你。
I haven't got any appetite.我沒有胃口。
Cheers! 乾杯！
To your health! 祝你健康！
Let's drink to the health of Mr.Wang.讓我們舉杯祝王先生身體健康！
My coffee hasn't come yet.我點的咖啡還沒有來。
How does it taste？味道如何？
It's very delicious.味道很好。
How do you eat this?這個你們怎麼吃？
What kind of dish is this? 這種是什麼菜？
May I see the wine list? 請把酒單給我看好嗎？
我還沒吃飽可以說：
I'm not filled.
I fell like eating more.
I haven't had enough.
說之前要加的禮貌用語如：
I think I'll have another...我想再。。。
Would please bring me...請再給我。。。
出門問路之類的情況除了用may還可以用：
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to..., please?
How can I get to...?
Where is...?
Do you know the way to...?
希望我的回答能夠幫助您！
⑶ 英語日常口語有哪些
"有想努力學習的心態是非常好的
為了下一個學期的英語成績提高，也為了給英語打基礎
報個暑假英語補習班是個很好的選擇
最近挺多人都報了個電話英語培訓
每天在家就能輕松學到一口流利的英語口語哈"
。。。
⑷ 日常英語口語900句有哪些
英語本身就是一門語言，其最終的目的就是為了能夠使用它去和人進行順利的溝通，因此要學好英語的最好的方法就是通過不斷的對話練習來學習，尤其是在成人學英語方面體現的淋漓盡致.
大家仔細的想想，小時候我們是怎麼學好普通話的，其實靠的就是長時間的對話練習，慢慢學會的，因為在對話練習的過程中你能積累詞彙，掌握句型，並熟悉英語表達思想的方式，著重培養語感,這樣就具備了學好英語的條件，雖然說在國內學英語缺乏環境,不過大家可以通過看美劇或者去英語角等方式來練習，我是通過在線來學習的:http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_8a33d4a40102x9ai.html?7892
當然基本功也是很重要的。要想基本功扎實，必須全神貫注地認真聽講,上好每一節課，提高課堂效率，腳踏實地、一步一個腳印地，做到以下「五點」
一、只有從簡單的開始，才容易入門，才容易產生"興趣"，才容易把事情進行下去
二、學習英語不能太急於求成，因為只有有了"量"，才能有"質"的飛躍。
三、 英語有句諺語"Repetition is the mother of skills（重復是技能之母）"。
四、語言是人們在長時間的實踐中形成的認同符號，其運用"規則"可依。
五、若想學好英語，需要採取一個個"速戰速決"策略，找到學習的動力和興趣把學習堅持到底。
⑸ 日常英語口語900句大全
現在我們正處於一個地球村，隨著各國文化交流的日益頻繁，世界上普及率最高的語言——英語，越來越滲透到了我們的日常生活。現在如果不會個一兩句英語，彷彿就和這個世界脫軌了一樣。但是，你肯定會說，平日工作學習忙，想自學英語又找不到好的方法。
其實英語本身就是一門語言，其最終的目的就是為了能夠使用它去和人進行順利的溝通，因此，大家學習英語的時候一定要認識到這一點，並且對於選擇好一家不錯的英語培訓機構也是非常重要的。我不知道其他人選了什麼機構，我自己是通過在線來學習http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_8a0c5d9a0101fgu3.html?671
1.單詞
想要自學學好英語，單詞的積累量是必不可少的。這就跟我們想要學好中文就必須從一個個的字開始學起一樣。平時在工作或學習的地方放一本單詞本，並規定在一定時間段內記住幾個英語單詞，注意每天規定要記住的單詞量不要太多，不然沒過多久必定會產生抵觸情緒。
2.事物聯想
想要真正自學好英語，就要把所學的英語融入到生活中去。平時可以多注意觀察身邊的事物，比如我看到一本書，我立馬想到用英語講就是book，電腦是computer等等。只有將生活和英語緊密聯系起來，才能潛移默化地提高自己的英語水平。
3.多說多寫
我們現在學了這么多年的英語，水平仍不高，原因是我們總是在被動的接受所學到的英語。如果想要真正地提高自己，我們必須主動，在生活和學習中要大聲地說英語，沒有傾聽的對象可以自己對著書本或者電腦屏幕朗讀，有時間的朋友也可多寫寫，每天記錄一片英文日記，這樣堅持肯定會有效果。
4.多看英文電影
這是小編最喜歡的學英語的方式，既可以看電影，又可以不知不覺中學習英語。建議看些有中英文對照的電影，多注意英文字幕，英文程度比較好的朋友，可以直接看只有中文翻譯的電影，最後的最高境界就是直接看無字幕的英文電影。如果這三個境界都達到了，最起碼你的英語聽力是沒有問題了。
5.尋找有利的環境
有條件的朋友，可以刻意到有英語氛圍的地方去學習。比如，多參加些英語角的活動，多找幾個外國朋友聊聊天個，或者直接到外國去，將自己置身與一個以英語為母語的國家，了解了解他們的文化和歷史，想必你的英語將會突飛猛進。
⑹ 中學生日常用語（英語）50句
1. Hello! / Hi! 你好！
2. Good morning / afternoon / evening! 早晨（下午/晚上）好！
3. I'm Kathy King. 我是凱西·金。
4. Are you Peter Smith? 你是彼得·史密斯嗎？
5. Yes, I am. / No, I'm not. 是，我是。/ 不，我不是。
6. How are you? 你好嗎？
7. Fine, thanks. And you? 很好，謝謝，你呢？
8. I'm fine, too. 我也很好。
9. How is Amy / your wife / your husband? 愛米好嗎？/你妻子好嗎？/你丈夫好嗎
？
10. She is very well, thank you. 她很好，謝謝。
11. Good night, Jane. 晚安，簡。
12. Good-bye, Mike. 再見，邁克。
13. See you tomorrow. 明天見。
14. See you later. 待會兒見。
15. I have to go now. 我必須走了。
二、Expression In Class 課堂用語
16. May I come in? 我能進來嗎？
17. Come in, please. 請進。
18. Sit down, please. 請坐。
19. It's time for class. 上課時間到了。
20. Open your books and turn to page 20. 打開書，翻到第20頁。
21. I'll call the roll before class. 課前我要點名。
22. Here! 到！
23. Has everybody got a sheet? 每個人都拿到材料了嗎？
24. Any different opinion? 有不同意見嗎？
25. Are you with me? 你們跟上我講的了嗎？
26. Have I made myself clear? 我講明白了嗎？
27. Could you say it again? 你能再說一遍嗎？
28. Any questions? 有什麼問題嗎？
29. That's all for today. 今天就講到這里。
30. Please turn in your paper before leaving. 請在離開前將論文交上。
三、Identifying Objects 辨別物品
31. What's this? 這是什麼？
32. It's a pen. 是支筆。
33. Is this your handbag? 這是你的手提包嗎？
34. No, it isn't. / Yes, it is. 不，它不是。/是的，它是。
35. Whose pen is this? 這是誰的筆？
36. It's Kate's. 是凱特的。
37. Is that a car? 那是一輛小汽車嗎？
38. No, it isn't. It's a bus. 不，那是一輛公共汽車。
39. What do you call this in English? 這個用英語怎麼說？
40. What is the color of your new book? 你的新書是什麼顏色的？
41. How big is your house? 你的房子有多大？
42. How long is the street? 這條街有多長？
43. What's the name of the cat? 這貓叫什麼名字？
44. Where's the company? 那個公司在哪兒？
45. Which is the right size? 哪個尺碼是對的？
四、About Belongings 關於所有物
46. What's this? 這是什麼？
47. It's an air-conditioner. 這是空調。
48. Is this yours? 這是你的嗎？
49. Yes, it's mine. 是的，是我的。
50. Where are my glasses? 我的眼鏡在哪兒？
51. Do you know where I've put my glasses? 你知道我把眼鏡擱哪兒了嗎？
52. Over there. 在那邊。
53. On the desk. 在桌上。
54. Is this your pen? I found it under the desk. 這是你的筆嗎？我在桌下撿
的。
55. No. Mine is blue. 不是。我的是藍的。
56. Which is your bag? 哪個是你的包？
57. The bigger one. 大些的那個。
58. The one on your right. 你右邊的那個。
59. Are these books all yours? 這些書全是你的嗎？
60. Some of them are mine. 一部分是我的。
五、Identifying People 辨別身份
61. Who are you? 你是誰？
62. I'm Jim. 我是吉姆。
63. Who is the guy over there? 那邊那個人是誰？
64. He's Bob. 他是鮑勃。
65. Is that girl a student? 那個女孩是學生嗎？
66. No, she isn't. 不，她不是。
67. What do you do? 你是做什麼的？
68. I'm a farmer. 我是個農民。
69. What does he do? 他是干什麼的？
70. He's a manager. 他是個經理。
71. She must be a model, isn't? 她一定是個模特，不是嗎？
72. I really don't known. 我真不知道。
73. I have no idea about it. 我一點都不知道。
74. Can she be a driver? 她可能是個司機嗎？
75. Yes, I think so. 是的，我認為是。
六、 About Introction 關於介紹
76. What's your name? 你叫什麼名字？
77. May I have your name? 能告訴我你的名字嗎？
78. My name is Thomas. 我叫湯姆斯。
79. Just call me Tom. 就叫我湯姆吧。
80. What's your family name? 你姓什麼？
81. My family name is Ayneswonth. 我姓安尼思華斯。
82. How do you spell it? 怎麼拼？
83. Who is the lady in white? 穿白衣服的那位小姐是誰？
84. Could you introce me to her? 你能把我介紹給她嗎？
85. Rose, let me introce my friend to you. 羅斯，讓我介紹一下我的朋友。
86. This is Tom. He's my classmate. 這是湯姆。我的同學。
87. Nice to meet you. 很高興認識你。
88. Nice to meet you, too. 認識你我也很高興。
89. Let me introce myself. 讓我自我介紹一下。
90. How do you do? 你好！
七、Year, Month And Day 年、月、日
91. What day is it today? 今天星期幾？
92. It's Monday today. 今天是星期一。
93. What's the date today? 今天是幾號？
94. It's January the 15th, 1999. 今天是1999年1月15日。
95. What month is this? 現在是幾月？
96. It's December. 現在是十二月。
97. What year is this? 今年是哪一年？
98. It's the year of 1999. 今年是1999年。
99. What will you do ring this weekend? 這周末你干什麼？
100. Does the shop open at 9 am on weekdays? 這家店平日是早上9點開門嗎？
101. It opens at 8 am on weekdays, but at 9 at weekends.
平日上午8點開，但周末9點開。
102. What will you do the day after on next? 後天你干什麼？
103. What did you do the week before last? 上上星期你幹了什麼？
104. I'll work for the next 5 days. 我要工作5天（從明天算起）
105. It's been 5 years since I last saw you. 我已5年沒見你了。
八、Talking About Objects 談論事物
106. Do you have a computer? 你有計算機嗎？
107. Yes, I do. 是的，我有。
108. He has that book, doesn't he? 他有那本書，是嗎？
109. No, he doesn't. 不，他沒有。
110. Do you have any brothers or sisters? 你有兄弟或姐妹嗎？
111. No, I'm a single son. 沒有，我是獨生子。
112. Does your computer have a modem? 你的電腦有數據機嗎？
113. Do you have shampoo here? 這兒有香波賣嗎？
114. What a beautiful garden you have! 你的花園真漂亮。
115. Any tickets left? 有剩票嗎？
116. Do you have glue? I need some here. 你有膠水嗎？我這里需要一點。
117. I have some left. 我剩下一些。
118. If you have more, please give me some. 如果你有多的，請給我。
119. Do you have my pencil? 你拿了我的鉛筆嗎？
120. Yes, I have your eraser, too. 是的，我還拿了你的橡皮。
九、Talking About Time 敘述時間
121. What time is it now? 現在幾點？
122. It's two o'clock. 現在兩點。
123. It's a quarter past five. 現在是五點一刻。
124. It's ten minutes to four. 現在差十分四點。
125. It's half past nine. 現在是九點半。
126. It's one o'clock sharp. 現在一點整。
127. It's not four o'clock. 還沒到四點呢。
128. My watch says two o'clock. 我的表是兩點鍾。
129. My watch is two minutes fast. 我的錶快了兩分鍾。
130. What's the time by your watch? 你的表幾點了？
131. We must arrive there on time. 我們必須准時到那兒。
132. There are only two minutes left. 只剩兩分鍾了。
133. Can you finish your work ahead of time? 你能提前完成工作嗎？
134. The flight is delayed. 飛機晚點起飛。
135. The meeting is put off. 會議延期了。
十、About Dates 關於日期
136. What day is today? 今天星期幾？
137. Today is Monday. 今天星期一。
138. What's the date today? 今天幾號？
139. Today is May 21st. 今天是五月二十一號。
140. When were you born? 你什麼時候出生的？
141. I was born on September 1st, 1976. 我出生在1976年9月1日。
142. What time? 什麼時候？
143. You name the time. 你定時間吧。
144. I'll meet you tomorrow. 我們明天見面。
145. Do you know the exact date? 你知道確切日期嗎？
146. Please check the date. 請核實一下日期。
147. What were you doing this time last year? 去年這時候你在干什麼？
148. How long will the sale last? 折價銷售多久？
149. Only three days. 僅三天。
150. I'll be back in 5 days. 我五天之後回來。
151. Hello. Can I see Mr. Green? 你好，我能見格林先生嗎？
152. Do you have an appointment? 你有預約嗎？
153. Sorry, I don't. 對不起，我沒有。
154. Yes. At 3 pm. 是的，約的是下午3點。
155. Sorry, Mr. Green can't see you now. 對不起，格林先生現在不能見您。
156. He's on the phone. 他在打電話。
157. Would you wait here for a minute? 您能在這里等一下嗎？
158. Would you like something to drink? 您想喝點什麼嗎？
159. Tea, please. 我喝點茶吧。
160. Mr. Green, Mr. Smith is here. 格林先生，史密斯先生在這里。
161. You may go in now. 您可以進去了。
162. Nice to see you, my old friend. 真高興見到你，我的老朋友。
163. How have you been these years? 這些年你怎麼樣？
164. You've changed little. 你一點也沒變。
165. Do you still remember that Christmas? 你仍記得那個聖誕節嗎？
二、About Language 關於語言
166. Do you speak English? 你會說英語嗎？
167. Yes, a little. 會講一點。
168. How long have you studied English? 你學英語多久了？
169. He speaks English fluently. 他講英語很流利。
170. Your English is very good. 你的英語很好。
171. You speak English pretty well. 你的英語講的很好。
172. Are you a native speaker of English? 你的母語是英語嗎？
173. My native language is Chinese. 我的母語是漢語。
174. He speaks with London accent. 他帶點倫敦口音。
175. He has a strong accent. 他口音很重。
176. I have some difficulty in expressing myself. 我表達起來有點困難。
177. I'm always confused with "s" and "th". 我常把s和th搞混。
178. Can you write in English? 你能用英文寫文章嗎？
179. Your pronunciation is excellent. 你的發音很好。
180. How can I improve my spoken English? 我該怎樣才能提高口語水平？
三、Talking About Activities 談論活動
181. What are you doing? 你在干什麼？
182. I'm reading a book. 我在看書。
183. I'm cooking. 我在做飯。
184. Are you watching TV now? 你在看電視嗎？
185. Yes, I'm watching Channel 5. 是的，我在看5頻道。
186. No, I'm listening to the radio. 沒有，我在聽收音機。
187. Where are you going? 你去哪兒？
188. I'm going to work. 我去上班。
189. Who are you writing to? 你在給誰寫信？
190. I'm writing to an old friend. 給一個老朋友。
191. What will you do this weekend? 這周末你將干什麼？
192. I'll go to a concert. 我要去聽音樂會。
193. I'll go on an outing with some friends. 我與朋友去郊遊。
194. Do you like traveling? 你喜歡郊遊嗎？
195. Yes, I like it a great deal/it very much. 是的，我很喜歡。
四、 About Age 關於年齡
196. How old are you? 你多大了？
197. I'm twenty-two (years old). 我二十二了。
198. Mr. Smith is still in his forties. 史密斯先生才四十幾歲。
199. I'm two years younger than my sister. 我比我姐小兩歲。
200. My elder sister is one year older than her husband. 我姐比他丈夫大一
歲。
201. He's the youngest in the family. 他是一家中最小的。
202. He looks much younger than he is. 他看起來比他實際上年輕得多。
203. I came here when I was 20. 我二十歲來這兒。
204. I started school at the age of 6. 我六歲開始上學。
205. My father is over 60 years old. 我父親已年過六十了。
206. Most of them are less than 30. 他們中大多數不到30歲。
207. I guess he's about 30. 我猜他大概30歲。
208. She's going to be 15 next month. 下個月她就滿15了。
209. They'll have a party for their 10th wedding anniversary.
他們將為結婚十周年開個晚會。
210. He's still a boy after all. 他畢竟還只是個孩子。
五、 Talking About Daily Activities 談論日常生活
211. When do you get up everyday? 每天你幾點起床？
212. I usually get up at 8 o'clock. 我通常8點起床。
213. Where do you have your lunch? 你在哪兒吃午飯？
214. I have my lunch in a snack bar nearby. 我在附近一家快餐店吃午飯。
215. What did you have for lunch? 你中午吃些什麼？
216. I had a hamburger and a fried chicken leg? 我吃一個漢堡包，一個炸雞腿。
217. What time do you start work? 你什麼時候開始工作？
218. I start work at 8 o'clock. 我八點開始工作。
219. What do you do at work? 你上班幹些什麼？
220. I answer telephones and do some typing. 我接電話和打字。
221. What time do you finish your work? 你什麼時候下班？
222. At 6 o'clock sharp. 6點。
223. What do you do in your spare time? 閑暇時，你幹些什麼？
224. I like listening to pop music. 我喜歡聽流行音樂。
225. I like playing football. 我喜歡踢足球。
六、 Talking About Yesterday 談論昨天的事
226. When did you get up yesterday morning? 你昨天早上幾點起床？
227. At about seven. 七點左右。
228. I heard the clock, but I didn't get up until 9. 我聽見鬧鍾了，但我捱到
九點才起。
229. I woke up seven and got up right away. 我七點醒了，然後馬上起床了。
230. I hurried to my office. 我匆忙趕到辦公室。
231. I had my breakfast on the way. 我在路上吃的早飯。
232. I was just on time. 我剛好趕上。
233. I was 10 minutes late. 我遲到了五分鍾。
234. I had lunch with a friend of mine. 我和我的一個朋友一塊吃了午飯。
235. I finished my work at 6 p.m. 下午6點我下班了。
236. I stayed and did some extra work. 我留下加了一會兒班。
237. The TV programs were really boring, so I went to bed very early.
電視節目很無聊，所以我早早睡了。
238. I read a magazine in bed. 我躺在床上看雜志。
239. I didn't sleep well. 我沒睡好。
240. I slept soundly all night. 我整夜睡的很熟。
七、 Talking With Friends 與朋友聊天
241. Hi, Joe, is it really you? 喬，你好，真是你嗎？
242. Hi, Ann. Nice to see you again. 安，你好。真高興再次見到你。
243. It's been a whole year since I last saw you. 我整整一年沒見你了。
244. Yes, but you look as pretty now, as you did then. 但你看起來還是那麼漂
亮。
245. Oh, thank you. How have you been these days? 歐，謝謝。這段時間你好嗎？
246. Not too bad. 不太糟。
247. But you sound so sad. 但聽起來你很悲傷。
248. Yes, I lost my pet cat yesterday. 是啊，昨天我的寵物貓丟了。
249. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 聽到這消息我很遺憾。
250. That's all right. 沒事兒。
251. Have you seen Kate lately? 最近你看見凱特了嗎？
252. No, I have no contact with her. 沒有。我和她沒有一點兒聯系。
253. I heard she got married last week. 我聽說她上星期結婚了。
254. Oh, how nice. Sorry, I've got to go now. 那真好。對不起，我必須得走了。
255. So do I. See you later. Keep in touch. 我也是，再見。記得聯系哦。
八、 Talking About The Past 談論過去
256. I used to take a walk in the early morning. 我過去常一大早出去散步。
257. He used to live in my neighborhood. 他曾與我是鄰居。
258. Did you use to go fishing with friends? 過去你常和朋友釣魚嗎？
259. We have known each other for 6 years. 我們認識有六年了。
260. It has been a long time since last came here. 自從我上次來這里已經有很
長時間了。
261. Have you seen Mr. Smith recently? 最近你見過史密斯先生嗎？
262. They've been working on this project since last year.
他們從去年開始一直都在做這個項目。
263. I've been watching TV all night. 我看了一整晚的電視。
264. The movie began as soon as we got there. 我們一到那兒電影就開始了。
265. When I arrived at the station, the train had already left. 我到車站時，
火車已經開了。
266. The late arrival of the ship had messed up all our plans.
船到晚了，把我們的計劃全打亂了。
267. I had thought he knew the time of the meeting. 我原以為他知道開會時間。
268. They had excepted me to go with them. 他們原本希望我和他們一起去。
269. That was the third time that I had visited the place. 那是我第三次參觀
那地方了。
270. After I had finished my paper, I put it in the drawer. 我寫完論文，就把
它放在抽屜了。
九、 Asking About The Address 詢問地址
271. Hi, Jack, where do you live now? 你好，傑克，你現在住哪兒？
272. I live at 203 Curzon Street. 我住在可勝街203號。
273. Curzon Street? Isn't Mary living there? 可勝街？瑪麗不是也住那兒嗎？
274. Yes, she lives just across the street. 是的，她就住在街對面。
275. How long have you stayed there? 你在那兒住多久了？
276. Just a few months. 才幾個月。
277. How about Mary? How long has she lived there? 瑪麗怎麼樣？她在那兒住多
久了？
278. She's been living there since her birth. 她生下來就住那兒。
279. Will you stay there for long? 你會在那兒待很長時間嗎？
280. No, I'll move to Hollywood next month. 不，我下個月搬到好萊塢去。
281. Oh, really? I'm moving there too. 真的？我也會搬到那兒去。
282. Great. Then we can drink beer together. 棒極了，我們可以一起喝啤酒了。
283. Yes, and you may stay there longer. 對，而且你也許會在那兒住久一些。
284. I hope so. 希望如此。
285. I'm sure we'll have a good time. 我相信我們會很開心的。
十、 Asking Questions 提問題
286. Where are you going? 你去哪兒？
287. Where did you go for dinner yesterday? 你們昨天去哪兒吃的飯？
288. When will he come to see you? 他什麼時候來看你？
289. When did you buy the car? 你什麼時候買的車？
290. Who told you? 誰告訴你的？
291. Who will accompany you to the airport? 誰將陪你去機場？
292. Why don't you agree? 你為什麼不同意？
293. Why not go out for a walk? 干嗎不出去散步？
294. How did you doing spend your holiday? 你假期怎麼過的？
295. How are you doing these days? 這些日子你怎麼樣？
296. What did he say in the letter? 他在信里說什麼了？
297. What are you going to do with the books? 你打算拿這些書怎麼辦？
298. What were you doing when I called? 我打電話給你時你在干嗎？
299. I was about to leave. 我正要出門。
300. Can you guess what I was doing this morning? 你能猜到今天上午我在做什麼嗎？
你可以選擇其中 你認為有用的進行理解以及背誦
⑺ 提供一篇英語兩人日常口語對話稿， 時長五分鍾， 內容搞笑一點，能配些歌詞更好， 初二水平。 謝謝啦
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.
Parent: I'd like a day without punishing you.
Little Mishief: You have my full permission!
Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
Captain: My, weren't you afraid that you'd fall off?
Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn't do something?
Teacher: Well, I don't suppose so.
Student: In that case, I didn't do my homework.
Jim: What's white, steep, and has ears?
Tara: I don't know.
Jim: A snow-covered mountain.
Tara: What about the ears?
Jim: Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary
if I don't know how to spell the word in the first place?
Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You don't need to heat hot water!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it?
Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.
Teacher: Joey, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.
Joey: Ok, "If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on."
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean?
Pupil: Before Calculators.
Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
John: From whom?
Lenny: May I hold your hand?
Jenny: No, it is not that heavy.
Don: I didn't know our school was haunted.
Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out?
Don: Everybody's been talking about our school spirit.
Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Trent: How tall are you?
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near them!
Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?
Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy.
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye.
Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!
Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
Jill: No, how'd you know?
Jack: It is all over town!
Pam: Is it okay to eat hotdogs with hands?
Sam: No, hotdogs don't have hands!
Joe: I was built backwards.
Mary: How?
Joe: My nose runs, and my feet smell!
Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window!
Bobby: I've owned this car for 15 years and never had a wreck.
Prospective buyer: You mean you've owned this wreck for 15 years and never had a car.
Mary: Did you know they're not making pencils any longer?
Sue: Wow! Why not?
Mary: They're already long enough!
Michael: I was on tv today.
Jeremy: You're kidding! How long were you on?
Michael: Not very much. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off.
Sarah: Why were you late for your plane?
Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets.
Sarah: But you were 2 hours late!
Jan: I have an ant farm!
George: Look, I just found a lost baseball.
Louis: How do you know it's lost?
George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!
Mom: What are you doing?
Bob: Washing myself, of course.
Mom: Without soap and water?
Bob: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.
Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
Teacher: Chubb, who invented the airplane that did not fly?
Chubb: The Wrong Brothers.