『壹』 英語小笑話,可以讀出來的
hey Are Directly from America
Not long after an old Chinese women came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the Sates, she went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter give her . At the bank counter ,the money was real.It mady out of patience.At last she couid not hold any more, uttering :「trust me, Sir, and trustthe money .They are real U.S. dollars. They.are directly from America. 」
漢譯：
真美鈔
一位中國老婦人到美國去看望女兒回來不久，到一家銀行取存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真仔細的檢查了每一張鈔票看，是否有假。這種做法使老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，是從美國直接帶來的。」
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。
英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎麼反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"且話僂蚰昴?"上帝說:"一秒鍾."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。
"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考試
在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。
這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。
Jim』s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.
吉姆的歷史考試
舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎麼樣？
母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個
可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。
『貳』 找兩篇適合初中剩閱讀的英語小笑話+翻譯
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
『叄』 關於熬夜讀書的英語笑話
之前看喜洋洋和灰太狼，是擔心喜洋洋被灰太狼吃掉。
可能是看多了之後。
現在。巴不得灰太狼可以吃掉一個羊。
因為——灰太狼已經餓了5年了。。
『肆』 關於讀書的小笑話
那天路過一路口，有放屁的慾望，正好有一個人在蹬摩托，我就想藉此機會掩蓋自己的屁聲，哪知道聲音過大，那蹬摩托的人以為發動開了，掛上檔就要走，那次我糗大了......
手機商特別獎
我的一個朋友，新買了個手機。結果上公共廁所的時候不小心把手機掉到便坑裡去了。不幸之中的萬幸是便坑裡面的東西很粘稠，手機沒有沒到裡面去。正當他准備找東西撈手機的時候，有人給他打電話！恰巧他的手機又調的是震動，眼看著手機振顫著、慢慢的，消失在了粘稠的、深深的便坑裡......
IT年度獎
修理電腦時,一口痰吐到了主機箱里,結果電腦彈出提示：發現新硬體…
中文文學獎
辦公室三人，二男一女，大男45歲，小男21歲，女30歲。
三人之間沒有競爭，所以關系融洽，相處得宜。
某日，女的上調，從這個辦公室搬出去了，慶賀酒宴上，大男祝酒後，質問女人：「你為什麼要拋夫棄子？」，「拋夫棄子」引得全桌人鬨堂大笑。
又一日，小男也上調了，慶賀酒宴上，先走的那女人的丈夫，酸酸地問大男：「聽說上次酒宴上，先生語出驚人，這回有什麼好說的？」
大男愣一愣，說：「還有什麼好說的，俺奮斗半生，只落得如今妻離子散！」
生物和諧獎
重慶以前有個經典地名，叫做人和，取的』天時、地利、人和』的意思
那邊有個單位，掛的招牌很無敵
「人和瘦肉型豬配種場」
最佳閱讀獎
去華師大後門吃燒烤
燒烤攤前有一廣告上書三行大字：
烤
牛肉串
雞腿
雞心
偶旁邊一NB的MM很大聲的讀到：烤牛雞雞
最佳服務獎
一天,我和表哥去趕公交車,好不容易等來一輛,可車上的人太多了,前門根本就擠不上.我們只好在前門刷了卡,從後門上車,可車上的人實在太多,後門也擠不上.
於是,司機大哥就和我們商量:』我先發動車,慢點開,你們跟在車後面跑跑.』我和表哥這個納悶啊:這算什麼辦法啊?可也沒有辦法,只有跟在車屁股後面跑. 眼看車開出大概有十來米,忽然一個急剎車,車上的乘客把持不住身體,全部倒向車的前面去了,後門一下子騰出好大一塊地方.這時,司機大哥得意地招呼我們: 』快上,快上......』
有一天,我正在看VCD,老媽捧了一本書進來.
老媽:『這個"I don't know."是什麼意思?』
我說:『我不知道.』
老媽:『送你上大學讀了幾年,你怎麼什麼都不知道?!』
我說:『不是!就是"我不知道"嘛!』
老媽:『還嘴硬!』
說完老媽給了我一巴掌.
人們常說:『學習是痛苦的歷程.』
不過我不明白,為什麼受傷的總是我.
我媽學英文的熱情日益高漲,因而我的苦難就日益加深.
今天,她又來問我了.
『兒子啊!』老媽:
『"I'm very annoyance, don't tuouble me."是什麼意思啊?』
我說:『我很煩,別煩我.』
老媽:『欠揍!跟你媽這么說話.』
於是,我又挨了一巴掌.
媽媽學英文-續二
老媽又問:『"I hear nothing, reapt."是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『我沒聽清楚,再說一次.』
老媽又說了一遍:『I hear nothing, reapt.』
我說:『我沒聽清楚,再說一次.』
我:『噢～好痛!』
媽媽學英文-續三
老媽再問:『"What do you say?"又是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『你說什麼?』
老媽作勢要打我,『算了!問另外一句.』老媽:
『"Look up in the dictionary."是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『查字典.』
老媽:『叫我查字典?那我幹嘛問你?!』
這次,我挨了兩巴掌.
媽媽學英文-續四
老媽又問:『"You had better ask somebody."怎麼翻呢?』
我說:『你最好問別人.』
老媽:『你是我兒子,我問別人幹嘛?你又在皮癢了.』
我說:『啊! God save me!』
老媽:『敢耍你老媽?上帝也救不了你!』
老媽又給了我一巴掌.
媽媽學英文-續五
『我再問你.』老媽:
『"Use your head, then think it over."又是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『動動你的腦子,再仔細想想.』
老媽:『死囝仔,還敢耍我?!』接著又要動手.
我連忙說:『是世上只有媽媽好的意思.』
『嗯,這還差不多!』老媽:『等一下我做好吃的硯A吃,下次再問你.』
我終於鬆了一口氣...
有一天，小明沒聽課，老師就問他，一加一等於幾，小明不知道，老師就叫他問媽媽，小明回家問媽媽，媽媽說，這么煩干什麼，小明就問爸爸，爸爸正在看足球，說，快點快點，小明就問哥哥，哥哥是個書迷，說，無人知道我的名，小明就問姐姐，姐姐正在掃地，說，垃圾垃圾。第二天，老師問小明，小明說，這么煩干什麼，老師說，我要帶你去見校長，小明說，快點快點，校長問他，你叫什麼名字，小明說，無人知道我的名，校長說，你當我是什麼，小明說，垃圾垃圾。
『伍』 我求一些英語閱讀的笑話~~~盡量就是小短文~~~誰能幫幫我啊
搜就好了啊
這是我查到的
1、How much English can you speak?
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
中文翻譯
"法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多麼不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"
法官看了看被告，問道："你會說多少英文？"
被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我！"
2
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
丈夫給妻子看了一項調查結果，為了向她證明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個字，而女人每天使用30000個。
妻子想了一會兒說，女人每天說的字數是男人的兩倍，因為她們必須重復已經說過的話。
他問："什麼？"
3
Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：這個座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。
4、
"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"湯姆，你弟弟怎麼了？" 媽媽在廚房裡問。"他在哭。"
"沒事兒，媽媽，" 湯姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我不給他吃。"
"他已經吃完自己的了么？"
"是的。" "我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。"
2009-6-7
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
路人甲對路人乙說，"猜猜我兜里有幾個子兒？"
路人乙說："我猜對了，你能給我一個不？"
路人甲說："你要猜對了，我兩個全部給你！"
2009-6-6研究生和本科生的區別
"I can always tell a graate class from an undergraate class," said an instructor at a university graate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graate students just write it down."
一個教師在研究生工程學課堂上說："我一眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我說'下午好'的時候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。"
2009-6-5
Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
爸爸：告訴我湯姆，哪個月有28天呢？
湯姆：每個月都有啊！
2009-6-4making faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
史密斯小姐發現她的一名學生在操場上向別人做鬼臉，便去輕責他。
這位主日學校的老師甜甜地微笑著，說："博比，我小的時候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會僵硬，永遠都那麼丑。"
博比抬頭看了看老師，說："史密斯小姐，你可別說沒人警告過你啊。"
2009-6-3
A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
一名男子帶著朋友去探望他的祖母。
當他和祖母聊天時，他的朋友開始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，並把花生都給吃光了。
他們離開時，他的朋友對祖母說:"謝謝您的花生。"
結果祖母說:"唉！自從我牙齒掉光後，我就只能吮掉花生豆外層的巧克力了。"
2009-6-2
A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
一位父親打算讓自己的兒子知道酒精有多麼可怕。
他把分別把兩只蟲子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做對比。清水裡蟲子安然無恙，結果威士忌里的蟲子蜷縮了幾下就掛掉了。
"所以，兒子啊，"父親問道，"得出什麼結論？"
"恩，這說明，你只要喝酒的話，肚裡就不會長蟲了！"
2009-6-1
Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.
"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."
"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"
"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."
中文翻譯：
一個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。
"大夫！"他說，"幫幫我！一個月前我吞了一分硬幣！"
"天哪，"大夫說，"早幹嘛去了？你當時怎麼不來看？"
"實話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當時還不缺錢！"
2009-5-31
Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。
女孩：應該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。
2009-5-30
In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"
"To be deaf," replied the boy.
"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.
"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.
在一次音樂學院的入學考試中，老師問其中一個男孩："音樂家最重要的生理素質是什麼？"
"耳聾，"男孩答道。
"胡說！"老師氣憤地說。
"怎麼了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個聾子嗎？"男孩輕蔑地反問道。
2009-5-28
A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
一個男人坐在酒吧里，傷心至極。
酒吧招待："你怎麼了？跟老婆鬧矛盾了？"
男人："我們吵了一架，她說一個月都不跟我說話。"
酒吧招待："那你應該高興才是啊！"
男人："不，今天是這個月的最後一天。"
【Laughter】2009-5-27
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
女人找了老公之前都在擔憂未來。男人娶了老婆之前從來不為未來擔憂。
2009-5-26
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
男人想要的東西，要是值1塊錢卻賣2塊，他也會買；而對於女人，即使是不想要的東西，要是值2塊錢卻只賣1塊，她也會買。
2009-5-25
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"
女生宿舍將全面禁止男生進入，男生宿舍也同樣不得女生光臨。
"不論是誰，一旦違規，初犯將被罰款20美元。再犯要被罰款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罰款。還有什麼疑問么？"
這時人群中一個男同學問道，"那麼一個季度通行證需要多少錢？"
2009-5-24
Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？
女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。
2009-5-22
Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
醫生：聽上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：應該如此。我昨晚練習了一整夜。
2009-5-21
Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
皮特："我上次出去打獵，跌下了很高的懸崖，信不信由你，當我跌落的時候，我腦海里浮現了我做過的所有蠢事。"
鮑勃："你一定是從萬丈高山上跌落的吧。"
2009-5-19
Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
2個男孩與祖父母一起過夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: "我祈求一輛自行車，一張新DVD……"
哥哥用肘輕推他: "你為什麼大喊著祈禱？上帝又不聾。"
弟弟答道:"上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。"
2009-5-18
A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
巡警發現一名婦女邊開車邊織毛衣，便開車上前，說："靠邊停車(套頭衫)！"
"不，" 她回答，"是一雙襪子！"
『陸』 適合小學生閱讀的英語笑話
1. Virtue
Many years after receiving my graate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.
When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."
美 德
獲取研究生學位多年以後，我回到位於賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯里很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說自我在那裡當學生起，20年來電梯一直沒有換過。
最後當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑。「你會拿到學位的，親愛的，」她低聲說道：「堅持不懈是一種美德。」
2. Difference
"I can always tell a graate class from an undergraate class," observed the instructor in one of my graate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graate students just write it down."
區 別
「研究生班和本科生很容易就能區別開來，」在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說。「我說『下午好』，本科生們回答說『下午好』。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。」
3.Too Long
The travel editor of a newspaper called, saying she was finally using an article I had written several years earlier. She wanted to be sure the tour information was still correct. "I also wanted to make certain," she sheepishly confessed, "that you're still alive. Whenever the writer has died, I know I've held a story too long."
太久
一家報紙的旅行版編輯打開電話，說她終於決定要採用一篇我幾年前寫的文章。她想確定那旅遊信息是否還可靠。「我還想確定，」她怯怯地坦白道：「您是否還健在。每次發現作者已經不在人世了，我才知道我將文章壓得太久了。」
4.Charge for Bread and Butter
Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.
麵包和黃油費
幾年前，我當律師的爸爸帶我去紐約的一家高檔餐館。帳單上來時，上面有1.5美元的麵包和黃油費。爸爸付了帳，連同麵包和黃油的收費一齊付了。但是第二天，他給餐館寄了一封信，說那項收費是沒有道理的。隨信還寄上了一張500美元的法律服務機構的收費單。
餐館馬上打來電話，問道：「這500美元的收費單是怎麼回事？我們從來沒有要什麼法律機構的服務。」
爸爸答道，「我也從來沒有要什麼麵包和黃油。」
那1.5美元立即就寄了回來。
5. Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠葯
鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了一些強力安眠葯。
星期天晚上鮑勃吃了葯，睡得很好，在鬧鍾響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老闆說：「我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有。」
「好啊!」老闆吼道，「那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？」
英文諺語大全
http://www.cqwlzx.com/Article/ShowArticle.asp?ArticleID=275
Each bird loves to hear himself sing. 鳥兒都愛聽自己唱歌。
Each day brings its own bread. 天無絕人之路。
Each man is the architect of his own fate. 命運掌握在自己手中。
Eagles catch no flies. 大人物不計較小事情。
Eagles fly alone, but sheep flock together. 鷹單飛，羊群集。
Early mistakes are the seeds of future trouble. 早期的錯誤可以釀成日後的麻煩。
Early sow, early mow. 播種早的收獲早。
Early start makes easy stages. 早開始是成功的保證。
Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy and wise. 早睡早起，令人健康、富有而且聰明。
『柒』 有沒有關於讀書的笑話，要讀書，不關數學，英語的事
一次在清華食堂吃飯，對面坐了兩個女生，聽到一位對另一位說：「我還沒吃飽，想再吃一點兒。「另一位說：你要什麼？我去買。「前一女生說：「就是那種扇形銳角餅，你幫再我買兩塊兒。「我暗想：清華女生確實不一樣，我們平時只是稱那種餅為三角餅。
分析，這樣的女人不敢娶做老婆，結婚以後叫lg吃飯：喂，那個不規則多面體過來！
(二)
俺一次在排隊買8食的西瓜，聽到大師傅對偶前面的、面帶運算符的ppmm說 「要多少?」運算符mm說：「就那塊兒的1/2。」大師傅尋思了一下「不就一半兒嗎，說什麼二分之一。」
(三)
清華的教授更牛的說，俺有一次去校醫院看眼睛，就聽前邊兒一個老師在跟醫生描述症狀「厄……嗯
……就是那個物體跟它的象不能重疊在一起……」偶們大眼兒瞪小眼兒了n久大夫阿姨突然頓悟了：「您是說看東西有重影兒吧？」
……崇拜良久。
(四)
我父母是醫生，周圍的叔叔阿姨都是大夫。有一次，一個阿姨去買菜，對賣肉的大師傅說「師傅，來一個豬腎。」搞得師傅一頭霧水，沒有理她。
這個旁邊過來一個人說：「這個腰子我要了。」於是，肉攤上剩下的唯一一隻豬腰子，被人搶走了。阿姨郁悶不已。
(五)
第一次去食堂吃龍須面， 之前只看過別人吃得香噴噴，不知道它叫什麼名字，就跟那個師傅說：「師傅，那種面條直徑比較細，大概不超過2毫米， 然後還放了兩個二分之一的煮熟的雞蛋，湯里還有……」我正想說「綠色的葉子狀的東東」師傅就說：「打卡吧！」可我一看就一塊五，感覺龍須面不應該這么便宜，就重復了一下：「師傅，我要的是那……」
「行了行了，龍須面嘛，我聽懂了！」
(六)
以下是俺們那年獻血的時候，某位仁兄同醫生的對話，可能old了，呵呵。
大夫：同學，請把胳膊彎一下。
同學：彎曲角度是多少？？？
大夫：……
大夫：同學，請把手一握一放。
同學：頻率是多少？？
(七)
當年大四的時候，夜談， 我和屋裡的人解釋我們南方有的一種瓜，這么描述的：「大概直徑10cm，形狀就像是心型圖案繞著它的對稱軸旋轉一圈出來的空間體 。」
結果被鄙視了一晚上，第二天還繼續鄙視。
(八)
偶一直力圖避免此類錯誤，於是一次指著西瓜說：「要一半的一半……的一半……」
(還很是思考了一會兒，怕少說一個，沒錢付賬)
師傅揮刀曰：「八分之一是吧？」
不知道師傅有沒有受打擊(面前這個小女生居然敢低估偶的數學素養……)
反正偶是受打擊了-_-!
(九)
曾經有這么一個笑話：說白毛女，幾乎人人都知道，但經過學究的學術化，就沒有人懂了。
似乎這樣翻譯的：論楊氏女遭到性暴力後的心理反彈和生理逆轉……
中文文學獎
辦公室三人，二男一女，大男45歲，小男21歲，女30歲。
三人之間沒有競爭，所以關系融洽，相處得宜。
某日，女的上調，從這個辦公室搬出去了，慶賀酒宴上，大男祝酒後，質問女人：「你為什麼要拋夫棄子？」，「拋夫棄子」引得全桌人鬨堂大笑。
又一日，小男也上調了，慶賀酒宴上，先走的那女人的丈夫，酸酸地問大男：「聽說上次酒宴上，先生語出驚人，這回有什麼好說的？」
大男愣一愣，說：「還有什麼好說的，俺奮斗半生，只落得如今妻離子散！」
生物和諧獎
重慶以前有個經典地名，叫做人和，取的』天時、地利、人和』的意思
那邊有個單位，掛的招牌很無敵
「人和瘦肉型豬配種場」
最佳閱讀獎
去華師大後門吃燒烤
燒烤攤前有一廣告上書三行大字：
烤
牛肉串
雞腿
雞心
偶旁邊一NB的MM很大聲的讀到：烤牛雞雞
最佳服務獎
一天,我和表哥去趕公交車,好不容易等來一輛,可車上的人太多了,前門根本就擠不上.我們只好在前門刷了卡,從後門上車,可車上的人實在太多,後門也擠不上.
於是,司機大哥就和我們商量:』我先發動車,慢點開,你們跟在車後面跑跑.』我和表哥這個納悶啊:這算什麼辦法啊?可也沒有辦法,只有跟在車屁股後面跑. 眼看車開出大概有十來米,忽然一個急剎車,車上的乘客把持不住身體,全部倒向車的前面去了,後門一下子騰出好大一塊地方.這時,司機大哥得意地招呼我們: 』快上,快上......』
有一天,我正在看VCD,老媽捧了一本書進來.
老媽:『這個"I don't know."是什麼意思?』
我說:『我不知道.』
老媽:『送你上大學讀了幾年,你怎麼什麼都不知道?!』
我說:『不是!就是"我不知道"嘛!』
老媽:『還嘴硬!』
說完老媽給了我一巴掌.
人們常說:『學習是痛苦的歷程.』
不過我不明白,為什麼受傷的總是我.
我媽學英文的熱情日益高漲,因而我的苦難就日益加深.
今天,她又來問我了.
『兒子啊!』老媽:
『"I'm very annoyance, don't tuouble me."是什麼意思啊?』
我說:『我很煩,別煩我.』
老媽:『欠揍!跟你媽這么說話.』
於是,我又挨了一巴掌.
媽媽學英文-續二
老媽又問:『"I hear nothing, reapt."是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『我沒聽清楚,再說一次.』
老媽又說了一遍:『I hear nothing, reapt.』
我說:『我沒聽清楚,再說一次.』
我:『噢～好痛!』
媽媽學英文-續三
老媽再問:『"What do you say?"又是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『你說什麼?』
老媽作勢要打我,『算了!問另外一句.』老媽:
『"Look up in the dictionary."是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『查字典.』
老媽:『叫我查字典?那我幹嘛問你?!』
這次,我挨了兩巴掌.
媽媽學英文-續四
老媽又問:『"You had better ask somebody."怎麼翻呢?』
我說:『你最好問別人.』
老媽:『你是我兒子,我問別人幹嘛?你又在皮癢了.』
我說:『啊! God save me!』
老媽:『敢耍你老媽?上帝也救不了你!』
老媽又給了我一巴掌.
媽媽學英文-續五
『我再問你.』老媽:
『"Use your head, then think it over."又是什麼意思呢?』
我說:『動動你的腦子,再仔細想想.』
老媽:『死囝仔,還敢耍我?!』接著又要動手.
我連忙說:『是世上只有媽媽好的意思.』
『嗯,這還差不多!』老媽:『等一下我做好吃的硯A吃,下次再問你.』
我終於鬆了一口氣...
有一天，小明沒聽課，老師就問他，一加一等於幾，小明不知道，老師就叫他問媽媽，小明回家問媽媽，媽媽說，這么煩干什麼，小明就問爸爸，爸爸正在看足球，說，快點快點，小明就問哥哥，哥哥是個書迷，說，無人知道我的名，小明就問姐姐，姐姐正在掃地，說，垃圾垃圾。第二天，老師問小明，小明說，這么煩干什麼，老師說，我要帶你去見校長，小明說，快點快點，校長問他，你叫什麼名字，小明說，無人知道我的名，校長說，你當我是什麼，小明說，垃圾垃圾。
這里有很多系列的笑話。關於《笑話》的有聲內容，聽來很好，這是具體的地址
http://www.tingbook.com/book/BookList.aspx?Name=%E7%AC%91%E8%AF%9D
你可以在這上面來找找 而且是免費的
我參加了他們的有獎活動http://huodong.tingbook.com/
我只用了5分鍾 就獲得了一個月的下載許可權 他們現在獎品贈送的是「下載時間」 超爽啊！！
大家可以在這個網站上多聽聽各方面的知識，不費眼睛的閱讀。
聽書網（www.tingbook.com）是第一座匯集古今中外文學的「有聲數字圖書館」，也是中國最大的為MP3、MP4、PDA、手機等提供有聲圖書下載服務的專業網站，內容涉及經濟管理、中外文學、古典文學、現代文學、兒童文學、歷史評書、探案懸疑、科幻文學、網路知識等近20個大類，現有總篇目20000餘部，其中所有文學作品都是原聲播音，真正實現中外文學用耳聽。同時館藏內容每天都在增加，不斷製作、推出精彩作品。
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_39.html 經典樂曲
http://www.tingbook.com/book/yysj.html 英語世界
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_44.html 古典文學
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_43.html 探案懸疑
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_16.html 中外童話
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_42.html 科幻小說
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_13.html 中外歷史
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_32.html 網路文學
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_17.html 中外神話
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_38.html 幽默笑話
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_52.html 外國文學
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_18.html 中外寓言
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_26.html 生活網路
http://www.tingbook.com/book/list_45.html 言情文學..........
『捌』 適合小學生閱讀的英語小笑話要帶翻譯
1.Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?"
"Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun."
Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?"
丈夫打完高爾夫球回來，我們四歲的女兒莎拉在門口迎了上去。「爸爸，誰贏了高爾夫球比賽，是你還是理查叔叔？」
「我和理查叔叔打高爾夫球不是為贏，」丈夫推諉說。「我們打球只是為了開心而已。」
莎拉毫不氣餒，又問：「那麼，爸爸，誰玩的更開心呢？」
2.A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。「來，坐下，吃點點心，」媽媽說，「你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。吃點東西就會好的。」
一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。
「你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的，」他那聰明的兒子說，「裡面裝點東西，就會好的。」
3.A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"
一位年輕的母親認為，世界上還有許多受飢餓的人，浪費食物真不應該。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女兒睡覺之前，她給女兒喂夜宵。她先給她一片新鮮的黑麵包和黃油，但孩子說她不喜歡這樣吃。她還要一些果醬塗在麵包上。
母親看了女兒幾秒鍾，隨即說道，「露茜，當我象你一樣小的時候，總是吃麵包加黃油，或者麵包加果醬，從來沒有麵包既加黃油又加果醬。」
露茜看了母親一會兒，眼中露出憐憫的神情，然後她柔聲說：「您現在能跟我們生活在一起難道不感到高興嗎？」
『玖』 關於讀書的笑話
一次在清華食堂吃飯，對面坐了兩個女生，聽到一位對另一位說：「我還沒吃飽，想再吃一點兒。「另一位說：你要什麼？我去買。「前一女生說：「就是那種扇形銳角餅，你幫再我買兩塊兒。「我暗想：清華女生確實不一樣，我們平時只是稱那種餅為三角餅。 分析，這樣的女人不敢娶做老婆，結婚以後叫lg吃飯：喂，那個不規則多面體過來！ (二) 俺一次在排隊買8食的西瓜，聽到大師傅對偶前面的、面帶運算符的ppmm說 「要多少?」運算符mm說：「就那塊兒的1/2。」大師傅尋思了一下「不就一半兒嗎，說什麼二分之一。」 (三) 清華的教授更牛的說，俺有一次去校醫院看眼睛，就聽前邊兒一個老師在跟醫生描述症狀「厄……嗯 ……就是那個物體跟它的象不能重疊在一起……」偶們大眼兒瞪小眼兒了n久大夫阿姨突然頓悟了：「您是說看東西有重影兒吧？」 ……崇拜良久。 (四) 我父母是醫生，周圍的叔叔阿姨都是大夫。有一次，一個阿姨去買菜，對賣肉的大師傅說「師傅，來一個豬腎。」搞得師傅一頭霧水，沒有理她。 這個旁邊過來一個人說：「這個腰子我要了。」於是，肉攤上剩下的唯一一隻豬腰子，被人搶走了。阿姨郁悶不已。 (五) 第一次去食堂吃龍須面， 之前只看過別人吃得香噴噴，不知道它叫什麼名字，就跟那個師傅說：「師傅，那種面條直徑比較細，大概不超過2毫米， 然後還放了兩個二分之一的煮熟的雞蛋，湯里還有……」我正想說「綠色的葉子狀的東東」師傅就說：「打卡吧！」可我一看就一塊五，感覺龍須面不應該這么便宜，就重復了一下：「師傅，我要的是那……」 「行了行了，龍須面嘛，我聽懂了！」 (六) 以下是俺們那年獻血的時候，某位仁兄同醫生的對話，可能old了，呵呵。 大夫：同學，請把胳膊彎一下。 同學：彎曲角度是多少？？？ 大夫：…… 大夫：同學，請把手一握一放。 同學：頻率是多少？？ (七) 當年大四的時候，夜談， 我和屋裡的人解釋我們南方有的一種瓜，這么描述的：「大概直徑10cm，形狀就像是心型圖案繞著它的對稱軸旋轉一圈出來的空間體 。」 結果被鄙視了一晚上，第二天還繼續鄙視。 (八) 偶一直力圖避免此類錯誤，於是一次指著西瓜說：「要一半的一半……的一半……」 (還很是思考了一會兒，怕少說一個，沒錢付賬) 師傅揮刀曰：「八分之一是吧？」 不知道師傅有沒有受打擊(面前這個小女生居然敢低估偶的數學素養……) 反正偶是受打擊了-_-! (九) 曾經有這么一個笑話：說白毛女，幾乎人人都知道，但經過學究的學術化，就沒有人懂了。 似乎這樣翻譯的：論楊氏女遭到性暴力後的心理反彈和生理逆轉……參考資料： http://..com/question/24609926.html?si=1
『拾』 關於英語科目的小笑話。
Three explorers
There are three explorers found "valley of hope". It is said that you will be able to get what you want if you shout three things you want and then jump down the valley of hope. There is a love called out "the beauty, beauty! Beauty！ Beauty! " Jump to the valley of hope, get a lot of beauty. One of the other explorers shouted "love reading books! Book! Book! " Jump to the valley of hope, and get a lot of books. Finally, an explorer is a person but now irresolute and hesitant, but do not know what is good. He thought for hours, and finally knew what he wanted. But he just went to the edge of the cliff, he tripped over the edge of the cliff stone, fell off the bottom, shiguwucun......
中文：三個探險者
有三個探險者意外找到『希望之谷』。傳說喊三聲你想要的東西，然後跳下『希望之谷』就能得到你想要的東西。其中有一個探險者喜歡美女，就大喊『美女！美女！美女！』再跳下『希望之谷』，就得到了很多美女。其中另一個探險者喜歡讀書就大喊『書！書！書！』再跳下『希望之谷』，就得到了很多書。最後一個探險家是一個優柔寡斷的人，但現在卻不知道要什麼東西好。他想了好幾個小時，終於知道要什麼東西好了：還是鈔票最管用。但是他剛走到懸崖邊，就被懸崖邊的小石子絆倒了，摔下谷底，屍骨無存。。。。。。