⑴ 求英語短文，笑話，越多越好，帶翻譯
叫我怎麼說明白?
那天我正在看碟，學英語的老媽捧了本書進來，我們有了這樣的對話－－
老媽：「這個『I don't know.』是什麼意思？」
我說：「我不知道。」
老媽：「送你上學上了幾年，你怎麼什麼都不知道！」
我說：「不是！就是『我不知道』嘛！！」
老媽：「還嘴硬！！！你再給我說說這個，『I know』是什麼意思你該知道吧？」
我說：「我知道。」
老媽：「知道就快說。」
我說：「就是我知道。」
老媽：「找茬呀你？」
我說：「沒錯啊，我知道！」
老媽：「知道你還不說！不懂不要裝懂！你給我小心點，花那麼多錢送你上學，搞得現在什麼都不會，會那麼一丁點兒東西還跟老媽擺譜兒。再問你最後一個，你給我好好解釋一下，說不出來我再收拾你。你給我翻譯一下『I know but I don't want to tell you』是什麼意思？」
我暈倒，拿起枕頭往頭上爆砸三十多下，用頭撞牆四十多下，雙手輪番抽自己嘴巴五十多下，用腳踢桌子角六十多下，我問老媽：「這下你滿意了吧？」
人們常說：學習是痛苦的歷程，不過我不明白，為什麼受傷的總是我。
我媽學英語的熱情日益高漲，因而我的苦難就日益加深。每當老媽問我英文的時候，我都會先吃三片阿斯匹林，纏好綳帶，再運上龜背神功至第十二重。
這不她老人家又來問我了：「兒啊，『I'm very annoyed，don't trouble me』是什麼意思啊？」
我說：「我很煩，別煩我。」
老媽：「找打，跟你媽這么說話。」
老媽又問：「『I hear nothing,repeat』是what意思啊？」
我說：「我沒聽清，再說一次。」
老媽又說了一遍：「I hear nothing,repeat.」
「我沒我沒聽清，再說一次。」（結果被扁）
老媽再問：「『Look up in the dictionary』是何意啊？」
我說：「查字典。」
「查字典我還問你做甚？」（被扁）
老媽又問：「『You had better ask others』怎麼翻呢？」
我說：「你最好問別人。」
「你是我兒子，我問別人干嗎，又找打。」
「啊！God save me！」
「耍你老媽玩，上帝也救不了你！」（被扁）
「我再問你，『Use your head,then think it over』又是什麼意思啊？」
我說：「動動腦子，再仔細想想。」
「臭小子，還敢耍我。」接著又要動手。
我忙說：「是世上只有媽媽好的意思。」
「嗯，這還差不多，一會兒我給你做好吃的，明天再問你。」
我暈倒。
超精明的走私犯
A Smugglar
走私犯
The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
一個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發現了六個接縫處鼓得緊綳綳的大口袋。
"What's in here?" he asked.
「裡面裝的是什麼？」他問道。
"Dirt," the driver replied.
「土。」司機回答。
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
「把袋子拿出來」，哨兵命令道：「我要檢查。」
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋裡除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情願地讓他通過了。
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
一周後，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
「這次袋子里裝的是什麼？」他問道。
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
「土，又運了一些土。」那人回答。
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
哨兵不相信，對那些袋子又進行了檢查，結果發現，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.
同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續了六個月。最後，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，乾脆辭職去當了酒吧侍者。
Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
有天夜裡，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，「我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。你能不能告訴我，那段時間你到底在走私什麼東西？」
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：「汽車。」 man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鍾."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四個好朋友在醫院里碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產.護士過來對第一個男人說:"恭喜,你得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達雙子隊的經理."過了一會兒,護士過來對第二個男人說:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最後,護士跑來對第三個男人說:"恭喜,你得了2對雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們三個都很高興,但第四個夥伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝並用頭撞牆.他們問他有什麼不對勁,他回答道:"什麼不對勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一個比一個效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that』s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,」 It』s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,」 Wow! That』s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人還有布希總統走在大街上看到一盞金色的燈.他們擦了擦燈出現了一個精靈.精靈說:"我要滿足你們每人一個願望總共三個."加拿大人說:"我是個父親我兒子將成為農夫,因此我想讓加拿大的土地永遠肥沃."精靈說了咒語願望實現了.拉登看了很驚奇,他希望有座城牆圍繞阿富汗.精靈又說了咒語願望又實現了.布希總統問:"精靈請告訴我關於這座牆的事情."精靈回答:"牆厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而裡面的任何東西出不來外面的任何東西進不去."布希總統說:"哇!那是座大橋耶...注滿水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一顆子彈
2. to point at: 對...瞄準
個中意味自己體會吧 :)
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
中文翻譯：
生化戰爭課的老師在課堂上問士兵們：「誰知道水的分子式？」
「當然，太簡單了。」一個士兵回答道。
「是什麼？」
「H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.」
「什麼，什麼？」老師又問道。
「H to O，」化學專家解釋道。
⑵ 英語短篇笑話帶翻譯（急！急！！急！！！）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
They are directly from America
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」
My little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧
⑶ 英語短篇笑話，帶翻譯
男:
This
seat
empty?（這個座位是空的吧？）
女：Yes,
and
this
one
will
be
if
you
sit
down.（是的，如果你坐下，我的座位就是空的。）【我立馬走人】
男：Haven't
I
seen
you
some
place
before?（我好像以前在什麼地方見過你？）
女：Yes.
That's
why
I
don't
go
there
anymore.（是的。這就是為什麼我不再去那個地方的原因。）【我不想和你有任何交集】
男：Will
you
go
out
with
me
this
Saturday?（這個星期六你想跟我出去嗎？）
女：Sorry.
I'm
having
a
headache
this
weekend.（抱歉。這個周末我頭疼)【^_^頭疼也是可以預約的】
男：Can
I
have
your
name?（我能知道你的名字嗎？）
女：Why?
Don't
you
already
have
one?
（為什麼？你不是已經有一個了嗎？）
男：I'm
a
photographer.
I've
been
looking
for
a
face
like
yours.（我是攝影師。我一直在尋找一張像你這樣的臉。）
女：I'm
a
plastic
surgeon.
I've
been
looking
for
a
face
like
yours.（我是整形外科醫生。我也一直在尋找一張像你這樣的臉。）【長的真丑】
男：I
think
I
could
make
you
very
happy.（我想我能讓你非常快樂。）
女：Why?
Are
you
leaving?（是嗎？你是說你要離開？）【你能離開就是對我的仁慈】
⑷ 英語短笑話帶翻譯
Mrs.
Brown:
Oh,
my
dear,
I
have
lost
my
precious
little
dog!
Mrs.
Smith:
But
you
must
put
an
advertisement
in
the
papers!
Mrs.
Brown:
It's
no
use,
my
little
dog
can't
read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
Good
Boy
Little
Robert
asked
his
mother
for
two
cents.
"What
did
you
do
with
the
money
I
gave
you
yesterday?"
"I
gave
it
to
a
poor
old
woman,"
he
answered.
"You're
a
good
boy,"
said
the
mother
proudly.
"Here
are
two
cents
more.
But
why
are
you
so
interested
in
the
old
woman?"
"She
is
the
one
who
sells
the
candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。
「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老
太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
The
Perfect
Son.
A:
I
have
the
perfect
son.
B:
Does
he
smoke?
A:
No,
he
doesn't.
B:
Does
he
drink
whiskey?
A:
No,
he
doesn't.
B:
Does
he
ever
come
home
late?
A:
No,
he
doesn't.
B:
I
guess
you
really
do
have
the
perfect
son.
How
old
is
he?
A:
He
will
be
six
months
old
next
Wednesday.
完美兒子
A:我有一個很完美的兒子.
B:他抽煙嗎?
A:不抽.
B:他喝威士忌酒嗎?
A:不喝.
B:他會不會很晚回家?
A:不會.
B:我想你確實有一個完美兒子.
那他多大了?
A:下個星期三就滿6個月了.
⑸ 找兩篇適合初中剩閱讀的英語小笑話+翻譯
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
⑹ 要一篇初中英文小笑話，最好是短的（帶翻譯）
英語笑話（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」
「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」
「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。
答案補充 英語笑話（七）Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人？
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」
我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」
⑺ 英語小故事或笑話加翻譯
弟弟拿著報紙問：報紙上說這出戲好評如潮，為什麼賣不出去票呢內?姐姐漫不經心地答道:是退潮容
Brother
take
a
newspaper
and
asked:
the
newspaper
said
the
play
rave
reviews,
why
don't
sell
ticket?
Sister
casually
replied:
is
ebbing
⑻ 初二 英語笑話加翻譯
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士專屬."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鍾."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
⑼ 英語笑話短文帶翻譯
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"
一位年輕的母親認為，世界上還有許多受飢餓的人，浪費食物真不應該。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女兒睡覺之前，她給女兒喂夜宵。她先給她一片新鮮的黑麵包和黃油，但孩子說她不喜歡這樣吃。她還要一些果醬塗在麵包上。
母親看了女兒幾秒鍾，隨即說道，「露茜，當我象你一樣小的時候，總是吃麵包加黃油，或者麵包加果醬，從來沒有麵包既加黃油又加果醬。」
露茜看了母親一會兒，眼中露出憐憫的神情，然後她柔聲說：「您現在能跟我們生活在一起難道不感到高興嗎？」