1. 英語幽默故事短文，急用！！！
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠葯
鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了一些強力安眠葯。
星期天晚上鮑勃吃了葯，睡得很好，在鬧鍾響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老闆說：「我今天早上起床一點麻煩都沒有。」
「好啊!」老闆吼道，「那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？」
Big Head
「All the kids make fun of me」the boy cried to his mother.「They say I have a big head」
「Don't listen to them.」his mother comforted him.「You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes」
「Where's the shopping bag?」
「I haven't got one,use your hat.」
大腦袋
「所有的孩子都拿我開玩笑，」小男孩哭著跟媽媽說：「他們說我長了一個大腦袋。」
「別聽他們的，」他媽媽安慰說：「你的腦袋長得很漂亮。好了，別哭了，去商店買10磅土豆來。」
「購物袋在哪？」
「我沒有購物袋，就用你的帽子吧。」
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
2. 英語幽默故事
An Alarm Clock
A young man went to a mountain village for his holiday. One night he stayed at a small hotel near a train station.
Before going to bed, he went to the owner of the hotel and said to the old man, 「 Excuse me, sir. Will you please wake me up at a quarter to five? I'm going to take the five o'clock train tomorrow morning. 」
「 Oh, sorry, 」 the owner said, 「 I am afraid I can't. I don't get up that early. 」
The young man started to go back to his room when he stopped and asked, 「 Do you have an alarm clock? That would help me. 」
「 Yes, here it is, young man. 」
The young man took the clock happily and thanked the old man. But when he looked at it carefully, there appeared to be something wrong with it.
「 Does it ring on time? 」 he asked the old man.
「 Sure! Just shake it when it's time to get up, and it'll ring. 」
一隻鬧鍾
一個年輕人到一個山村去度假。那天夜裡，他住宿在火車站附近的一個旅館里。
上床睡之前，他對旅館老闆——一個老頭兒說：「對不起，先生，請問您能在五點差一刻叫醒我嗎？我明天早晨要乘五點的火車。」
「哦，很抱歉」，旅館老闆說，「恐怕不行，我不可能起那麼早。」
年輕人正想回到FANG間去，又停住了問：「那你有鬧鍾嗎？或許它能幫助我。」
「我有，給你，年輕人。」
年輕人很高興地拿了鬧鍾，謝了老頭兒。但當他仔細查看了鬧鍾後，發現似乎有毛病。
「它能准時鬧嗎？」他問老頭兒。
「那當然！時間一到，你搖一搖，他就會響的。」
3. 英語幽默故事
23. A Bad Doctor
A man walked into a doctor's examining room.
"Put out your tongue," the doctor said.
The man put out his tongue and the doctor said.
"0. K. You can put your tongue back now. " the doctor said. "it's clear what's wrong with you . You need more exercise."
"But, doctor, " the man said. "I don't think--"
" Don't tell I me what you think, " the doctor said ：I am the doctor, not you. I know what you need. I see hundreds of people like you. None of them get any exercise. They sit in offices all day and in front of the television in the evening. What you need is to walk quickly for at least 20 minutes a day. "
"Doctor, you don't understand," the patient said "I -"
"I don't want to hear any excuses, " the doctor said. "You must find time for exercise. If you don't, you will get fat and have health problems when you are older. "
"But I walk every clay," the patient said.
"Oh, yes, and I know what kind of walking that is. You walk a few feet to the train station from your house, a few more feet from the station to your office , and a few more feet from your office to a restaurant for lunch and back. That's not real walking. I'm talking about a walk in the park for twenty minutes every day. "
Please listen to me, doctor! " the patient shouted, getting angry with this doctor who thought he knew everything.
"I'm a mailman," the patient went on, "and I walk for seven hours every day. "
For a moment the doctor was silent, then he said quietly, "Put your tongue out again, will you?"
23.庸醫
一人走進一家診所。
「伸出舌頭，」醫生說。
那人伸出舌頭，醫生很快地看了一下。
「好了，把舌頭縮回去吧。」醫生說，「你的病因很明顯。你需要更多的運動。」
「但是，醫生，」那人說，「我不認為----」
「不要告訴我你認為怎麼樣，」醫生說，「我是醫生，不是你。我知道你需要什麼。我看過數以百計的你這樣的病人。他們沒有一個人鍛煉過。他們整天坐在辦公室里，晚上就坐在電視機前。你所需要的是每天至少快跑20分鍾。」
「醫生，你不知道，」病人說，「我----」
「我不想聽任何理由。」醫生說，「你應該抽出時間來運動。如果你不鍛煉，那麼當你老的時候，你就會變得很胖，並且有健康問題。」
「但我每天都走路的，」病人說。
「喔，是的。我知道那是一種怎樣的散步。你走幾英尺的路，從家到火車站，又走幾英尺從車站到辦公室，然後走幾英尺從辦公室到餐館去吃中飯再回來。那不是真正的散步。我所說的是每天在公園里散步20分鍾。」
「請聽我說，醫生！」病人叫起來，對那位自以為什麼都知道的醫生很生氣。
「我是一名郵遞員，」病人接著說，「我每天得走7小時的路。」
醫生悶在那裡半天無語。然後他輕聲地說：「再把你的舌頭伸出來，行嗎？」
4. 英語簡短幽默故事
talking
clock
會說話的鍾
while
proudly
showing
off
his
new
apartment
to
friends,
a
college
student
led
the
way
into
the
den.
"what
is
the
big
brass
gong
and
hammer
for?"
one
of
his
friends
asked.
"that
is
the
talking
clock,"
the
man
replied.
"how's
it
work?"
"watch,"
the
man
said
and
proceeded
to
give
the
gong
an
ear
shattering
pound
with
the
hammer.
suddenly,
someone
screamed
from
the
other
side
of
the
wall,
"knock
it
off,
you
idiot!
it's
two
o'clock
in
the
morning!"
一個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意。「那個大銅鑼和錘子是干什麼用的？」他的一個朋友問他。「那玩意兒厲害了，那是一個會說話的鍾」，學生回答。「這鍾怎麼工作的」，他的朋友問。「看著，別眨眼了」，那學生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拚命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁牆那邊有人狂叫，「別敲了，你這白痴！現在是凌晨兩點鍾了！」
參考資料：
http://www..com/s?wd=%bc%c3%c4%cf%d1%ef%b8%f1&cl=3
5. 英語短篇幽默故事
I'm
Trying
to
Stop
It
"Boy,
why
have
you
got
cotton-wool
in
your
ear?
Is
it
infected?"
"No,
sir,
but
you
said
yesterday
that
everything
you
told
me
went
in
one
ear
and
out
the
other
,
so
I
am
trying
to
stop
it."
「孩子，你為什麼用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了嗎？」
「沒有，老師回。可是你昨天說你告訴我的答知識都是一個耳朵里進，一個耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在裡面。」
6. 內容是美國式幽默或幽默的英語文章(閱讀理解,短文也可)
http://www.taohai.com/cn/newsdetail.asp?id=2547
這個是老友記的劇本，裡面都是美式幽默。。你可以看看～
或者
TGIF vs SHIT
a man met a blond in the elevator.
he greeted her: "T-G-I-F"
but got the reply: "S-H-I-T"
he was startled, but repeated "T-G-I-F"
again the reply was "S-H-I-T"
he was frustrated and said: "T-G-I-F, I mean Thanks God It's Friday"
the blond looked at him saying: "S-H-I-T, I mean Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
http://www.chinaunix.net/jh/33/545296.html
7. 英語的幽默故事
Little Steve has a pet rabbit，Bunny. He plays with it every dayafter school. One day his mother sees that her little boy isholding Bunny by the ears. From time to time he gives the poorrabbit an angry shake and says:「how much is two plus two?」
小史蒂夫有一隻寵物兔子，名叫本尼。他每天放學後都跟兔子玩。一天，他媽媽看見他抓著兔子的耳朵，不時地搖著那隻可憐的兔子憤怒地說：「二加二等於幾?」
"Steve，」says his mother，"Why do you treat your poor little Bunnythat ways」
「史蒂夫，」他媽媽說，「你為什麼那樣對待可憐的小本尼?」
"Well，"explains Steve angrily，"Our teacher says that rabbitsmultiply very quickly，but this mmy can't even add。」
「哼，」史蒂夫氣憤地解釋道：「我們老師說兔子算乘法很快，但這個笨蛋連加法都不會。」
【注】multiply可表示「乘法」，也可表示「繁殖」。史蒂夫的老師的意思是後者。
8. 英語幽默故事
Woman Caught Speeding
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up . Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior Officer slowly approaches the car , clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license . He looks quite puzzled .
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner .
Woman: I bet you that the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.